Jokes thread......

[gedboy]

What do you call a donkey with three legs and one eye but who's a gifted pianist?

A winkey wonkey honky tonky donkey.




Coat..........taxi.


I'm outta here.

 

[chipsncheese]

> A guy goes to the Government to interview for a job. The
> interviewer asks
> him "are you a veteran?" The guy says, "Why yes, in fact, I
> served two
> tours in Vietnam." "Good," says the interviewer, "that counts in
> your
> favour." Do you have any service-related disabilities?
> The guy says, "in fact I am 100% disabled. During a battle, an
> explosion
> removed my private parts so they declared me disabled, it
> doesn't affect my
> ability to work though." Sorry to hear about the damage, but I
> have some
> good news for you, I can hire you right now! Our working hours
> are from 8
> to 4. Come on in about 10 and we'll get you started. " The guy
> says, "if
> working hours are from 8 to 4, why do you want me to come at
> 10?" "Well,
> here at the Government, we don't do anything but sit around and
> scratch our
> balls for the first two hours. No point of you coming in for
> that."

 

[chipsncheese]

>A young Irish guy moves to Sydney and goes to a
>big department store looking for a job.
>The manager asks, "Do you have any sales
>experience?"
>The kid: "Yeah, I was a salesman back home."
>Well, the manager liked the kid, so he gave him
>the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how
>you did."
>
>His first day on the job was rough but he got
>through it.
>After the store was locked up, the manager came
>down. "How many sales did you make today?"
>The kid says, "One."
>The manager groans, "Just one? Our sales people
>average 20 or 30 sales a day.
>How much was the sale for?"
>The kid says, "$101,237.64."
>The manager exclaims, "$101,237.64? what did you
>sell him?"
>The kid says, "First I sold him a small fish
>hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish
>hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was
>going fishing, and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was
>gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat
>department, and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said
>he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the
>automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Pajero."
>The manager says, "You mean a guy came in here to buy a fish hook
>and you sold him a boat and truck?!"
>The kid, "No no no, he came in here to buy a box
>of tampons for his wife and I said, "Well, since your weekend's
>f........, you might as well go fishing."

 

[chipsncheese]

>
>Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the
>pearly gates.
>In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each
>possess
>something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
>The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.
>He
>flicked it on. "It represents a candle" he said.
>You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said.
>The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.
>He
>shook them and said, "They're bells" .
>Saint Peter said you may pass through the pearly gates.
>The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and
>finally
>pulled out a pair of women's panties.
>St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just
>what
>do those symbolize?"
>The man replied............
>WAIT FOR IT
><
><
><
><
><
><
><
><
><
><
><
><
><
><
><
><
><
>
>"They're Carols".

 

[chipsncheese]

an old one but sure what harm

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one.
Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of


them
are hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, " So you're a


man.
That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars!
There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God
that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for


the
rest of our days".
Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely,
this must be a sign from God!" The woman continues, "and
look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely


demolished
but
this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this


wine
and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the


man.
The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the
bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the
bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to


the
man.
The
man asks, "Aren't you having any?" The woman replies, "No. I think


I'll
just wait for the police.... "MORAL OF THE STORY:Women are clever,


evil
bitches. Don't mess with them!

 

[##linda##]

> > Paul McCartney is doing his Christmas shopping, and decides to buy
> >
> > Heather a new artificial leg - He wraps it up, takes it home and
> hides
> it
> > in the wardrobe. However, Heather is doing her housework a couple
of
> days
> > later, and she finds it - So she phones up Paul, and says "That's
> really
> > nice of you, but I hope it's not my MAIN Christmas present ?" Paul
> says :-
> > ?
> >
> >
> > ?
> >
> >
> > ?
> >
> >
> > ?
> >
> >
> > ?
> >
> >
> > ?
> >
> >
> > ?
> >
> >
> > ?
> >
> >
> >
> > ?
> >
> >
> >
> > "No no no, it's just a stocking filler"

 

[PROClaimer]

what goes clip clop, clip clop, clip clop, BANG BANG, clip clop, clip clop?



















Limerick drive-by

 

[D'oriel]

:lol: :lol:

 

[stonerette]

this isn't really a joke but...

Only in Ireland...
Can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Only in Ireland...
Do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.

3 Irish have died testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.

142 Irish were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from new shirts.

58 Irish are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of
screwdrivers.

13 Irish have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the
fairy lights were plugged in.

Irish Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after cracker pulling
accidents.

101 people since 1999 have had to have broken parts of plastic toys
pulled out of the soles of their feet.

18 Irish had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit
cigarette in their mouth.

A massive 543 Irish were admitted to A&E in the last two years after
opening bottles of beer with their teeth.

5 Irish were injured last year in accidents involving out of control
Scalextric cars.

AND finally.........

In 2000, 8 Irish cracked their skull whilst throwing up into the toilet!

 

[HangSang'ich]

this isn't really a joke but...

58 Irish are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of
screwdrivers.
quote]

I managed to do this