Jokes thread......

Little Billy was in school. at the end of the day, the teacher told the class to go home and write about what theyd like to be when they grew up. Billy goes home and writes away, he goes up to his mam and says 'mammy, mammy, teacher told me to write about what i want to be when i grow up and i wanna be a fireman!' Billys mammy shakes her head slowly and says 'dont be a fuckin eejit billy, youve got cancer!!'
:twisted: :twisted: :twisted: :twisted:
 
P

PROClaimer

Guest
couldnt find the joke thread the other day so i'll give it to yis again:


This bloke walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face.
'What are you so happy about?' asks the barman.
'Well, I'll tell you,' replied the bloke, 'You know I live by the
railway? Well on my way home last night I noticed a young woman tied to
the tracks, like in them movies. I of course, went and cut her free and
took her back to my place. Anyway, to cut a long story short, I scored
big
time!'
He continued 'We made love all night, all over the house. We did
everything, doggy style, spoons, me on top, sometimes her on top. I was
totally shagged out this morning !!
'Fantastic,' exclaimed the barman, 'you lucky sod, did you get a
blowjob?'

















'No,' he said 'I never found her head.
 
these are shite so sorry. their hillarious wen ur buckled though

what do u call a brainy k******?

a tinker!

-------------

a brain walks into a bar with a set of jump leads. he goes up to the barman and asks for a pint. barman goes "nah biy, ur obviously outta your head and tryna start something"

----------------

woman walks into a butchers and asks the butcher fot 4 sausages, 2 pieces of black pudding and 6 rashers. the butcher looks at her for a while and asks

"i bet your single"

"why do you think that?" she replied

cos your ugly!

----------------

man walks into a butcher and goes up to the butcher and says "i bet you 100 yo yo you cant touch the meat on the top shelf"

butcher looks at him and says

"sorry biy, stakes are yoo high"

-----------------------------------

sorry :oops:
 

Loftydog

Banned
What do you call a donkey with three legs?

A wonkey!!

What do you call a donkey with three legs and one eye?

A winkey woney!!

(i'll get my own coat!!)

:wink:
 
A geezer sees a sign in front of a house in Luton: "Talking Dog for
Sale."
He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back
garden.
The bloke goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting
there.
You talk?" he asks.
"Sure do." the dog replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The dog looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking
pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told MI5 about my
gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in
rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be
eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years
running."
"The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting
any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the
airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in."
"I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded loads of
medals.
Had a wife, a few puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The geezer is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants
for the dog.
The owner says, "Ten quid."
The bloke says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him
so
cheap?"












"Cause he's a fuc*ing liar. He's never done any of that stuff"
 
>
> A guy goes to the Government to interview for a job. The
> interviewer asks
> him "are you a veteran?" The guy says, "Why yes, in fact, I
> served two
> tours in Vietnam." "Good," says the interviewer, "that counts in
> your
> favour." Do you have any service-related disabilities?
> The guy says, "in fact I am 100% disabled. During a battle, an
> explosion
> removed my private parts so they declared me disabled, it
> doesn't affect my
> ability to work though." Sorry to hear about the damage, but I
> have some
> good news for you, I can hire you right now! Our working hours
> are from 8
> to 4. Come on in about 10 and we'll get you started. " The guy
> says, "if
> working hours are from 8 to 4, why do you want me to come at
> 10?" "Well,
> here at the Government, we don't do anything but sit around and
> scratch our
> balls for the first two hours. No point of you coming in for
> that."
 
A man was walking home alone late one night when he hears a...
BUMP...

BUMP...

BUMP... behind him...

Walking faster he looks back, and makes out the image of an
upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street
towards him...

... BUMP...

...BUMP...

...BUMP...

Terrified, the man begins to run towards his home, the coffin
bouncing quickly behind him ...

faster...

faster...

BUMP...

BUMP...

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door,
rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.


However, the coffin crashes through his door, with the lid of
the coffin clapping ...

clappity-BUMP...

clappity-BUMP...

clappity-BUMP...

on the heels of the terrified man...

Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His
heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in
sobbing gasps...

With a loud CRASH the coffin breaks down the door. Bumping and
clapping towards him...

The man screams and reaches for something, anything... but all
he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!...

Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the coffin...

.... the coffin stops.
 

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