Jokes thread......

[Skybluebarry1]

I was in Liverpool the other day and decided to go to a Mosque for the first time, to see what it
was all about.

I sat down and the Imam came up to me, laid his hands on my hand and said:
"By the will of Allah and the Prophet Muhammad, you will walk today."

I told him I was not paralysed, I only had a small bunion on my left foot.

He came back and laid his hands on me and looking skywards, earnestly
repeated his mantra; "You will walk this day".

Once again, I told him there is nothing wrong with me.

After prayers I stepped outside -- and fuck me -- my car was gone!

 

[Skybluebarry1]

My boss called me.

"Why are you late?" he barked angrily.

"I'm stuck behind a group of bikers," I replied.

"Can't you just ask them to move over?" he asked.


"But they look aggressive," I said, "and the barman hasn't served them yet."

 

[Skybluebarry1]

I recall my first time with a condom, I must have been 16.

I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it.

She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, "No, this is my first time."

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty.

"Just a minute." she said, and walked to the door, and locked it.

Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside.
"Do these excite you?" she asked.

Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was shake my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on.

As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her knickers and sat down at a desk.
"Well, come on," she said, "we don't have much time."

So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW. I was done within a few minutes.

She looked at me with a bit of a frown, "Did you put that condom on?" she asked.

I said, "I sure did." and held up my thumb to show her.

She fainted.

 

[Skybluebarry1]

My Gran said to me, "Young men of today just aren't as polite and charming as they were when I was young."

I had to explain, "That's because they aren't trying to f**k you now."

 

[TheOutdoorThreadmill]

https://twitter.com/x/status/1882241727756710252

 

[Skybluebarry1]

King Charles decided to take up walking every day to maintain his fitness.
At the same street corner, he passed a hooker, standing there every day.


Embarrassed, he learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.
"One hundred and fifty pounds!" she'd shout.
"No! Five pounds!" He said, from the side of his mouth, just to shut her up.
This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence..
She'd yell, "One hundred and fifty pounds!"
He'd yell back, "Five pounds!"
One day, Camilla decided to accompany her husband.
As the couple neared the hooker's corner, King Charles realised she'd bark her 150 offer and Camilla would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings.
He figured he'd better have a good explanation for his wife.
As they neared the hookers corner, he became even more apprehensive than usual.
Sure enough, there she stood. He tried to avoid eye contact as she watched the pair pass.
Then, the hooker yelled:

"See what you get for five quid, you tight bastard!"

 

[Skybluebarry1]

A man was having some trouble in bed with his wife of 20 years, he kept finishing early. To remedy this he went to the doctors who told him to, before he gets home, masturbate until just before he comes, then to have sex with his wife and that he will be able to last. The man thinks about where he can have a ***** and decides on under his car on the way home because work is too crowded and he can pretend to be checking the axle or something.

On the way home he pulls over to the side of the road, lies down under the car pretending to be checking the axle, he closes his eyes and starts wanking, envisioning his wife. A little while later he hears footsteps and a voice called, "Hello sir, I'm a cop. Can I ask you what you're doing here?"
So the man, still with his eyes shut, said, "I'm just checking my rear axle officer."





To which the officer replies, "You might want to check your brakes too, sir, because your car rolled down the hill five minutes ago."

 

[TheOutdoorThreadmill]

 

[Skybluebarry1]

his Chinese chap goes into a bank to change some currency. After receiving his money he asks, "How come I came in here with same amount of money as yesterday but today I get less Yuans in return?"

The banker says, "Fluctuations."

The Chinese guy replies, "Fluck you Irish too."
Top

 

[Skybluebarry1]

"I got fired today," I told my mate, "for downloading porn on the work computer and causing everything to crash."

"That's a bit harsh," he replied, where do you work

Air Traffic Control Dublin" I said.