Jokes thread......

[Skybluebarry1]

I must admit that i admire Little Johnny for his wit.


The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.”

Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.”

The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.”

Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him.

Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!”

The teacher sat down and cried.

 

[Skybluebarry1]

A man with a mask on walks into a bank and goes to the desk.
He pulls out a gun and points it at the lady at the desk.
He says,'Open the vault skank'.
The woman says, 'Sir, this is a sperm bank. We don't have any money here'.
The man says, 'Open the vault right now or i'm going to blow your fucking head off'.
She opens the vault and turns back to the man and he said, 'Take out one of those jars'.
The woman said, 'please sir, i promise you we don't have any money here. This is a sperm bank'.
The man said, 'Take out one of those jars right now or ill blow your fucking head off'.
The women turns, grabs the jar and looks back to the man and he said, 'Take lid off and swallow it'.
She looks at him in disgust and pleads to him saying, 'Sir, this is sperm. Please, i'm not drinking sperm. We don't have any money here. Please leave'.
The man says, 'Take the lid off and drink it or ill blow your fucking head off'.
So the woman takes off the lid and kicks it back real quick and swallows it with little to no problem then turns to look back at the man and to her amazement he took off the mask and it was her husband.

He looked at her and said, 'See! It's not that bloody difficult is it'.

 

[Lee Bushwacker]

his Chinese chap goes into a bank to change some currency. After receiving his money he asks, "How come I came in here with same amount of money as yesterday but today I get less Yuans in return?"

The banker says, "Fluctuations."

The Chinese guy replies, "Fluck you Irish too."
Top

?
Niall Tobín story afaicr.

 

[fed up]

I can deffo identify with this...

 

[Stromovka]

 

[Stromovka]

 

[Skybluebarry1]

Paddy had a job as a postman and one Monday morning he was on his usual route, delivering the mail...
As he approached one of the homes he noticed that strangely both cars were still in the driveway...
His wonder was cut short by Murphy, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles for the recycling bin...
'Jesus Murphy, looks like you lot had one hell of a party last night,' the Postman commented...
Murphy, in obvious pain, replied, 'Actually we had it Saturday night... This is the first time I have felt like moving since 4:00 o'clock Sunday morning .We had about 15 couples from around the neighbourhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild... We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing... WHO AM I?'...
The Postman thought for a moment and said, 'How the hell do you play WHO AM I?'...
Well, all the men go in the bedroom and come out one at a time covered with a sheet with only the 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is...'
The postman laughed and said, 'Shit...!!! sounds like fun, I'm sorry I missed it.'...


'Probably a good thing you did Paddy,' Murphy responded 'Your feckin name came up 15 times!'
Top

 

[Skybluebarry1]

Yesterday I read an article about the dangers of drinking too much, it
scared the s**t out of me.
So today I decided I'm never reading again.


A couple in a cafe in

Llanllwni Wales​

asks 'Can you settle an argument for us
and pronounce where we are, VERY slowly?' The waitress leaned over and

said ........ 'Burrr gurrr king'.

 

[Skybluebarry1]

A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but... Something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got £9,000 in insurance compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's £1,000 an inch."

The man perks up at this. "So," the doctor says, "It's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be very disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision."

The man agrees to talk with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day. "So," says the doctor, "have you spoken with your wife?"

"I have," says the man.

"And what is the decision?" asks the doctor.

We're getting a new kitchen!

 

[Skybluebarry1]

A long and a short one!

Joe wanted to buy a motorcycle.

He doesn't have much luck, until one day, he comes across a Harley with a...
'for sale' sign on it.

The bike looks better than a new one, although it is 10 years old.

It's shiny and in mint condition.

He buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

'Well, it's quite simple,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain, and he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents.
Naturally, they take the bike there.

Just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to
tell you something about my family.

'When we eat dinner, we don't talk.

In fact, the FIRST person who says anything during dinner has to do the
dishes.'

'No problem,' he says.. And in they go.

Joe is shocked.
Right in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.

In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the
corridor, everywhere he looks. Dirty dishes.

They sit down to dinner, and sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.

He leans over and kisses Sandra.

No one says a word.

He reaches over and fondles her breasts. Nobody says a word.

So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table
and screws her, right there in front of her parents.

His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid and her mom
horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

He looks at her mom. She's got a great body too.

Joe grabs mom, bends her over the table, pulls down her panties, and
screws her every which way but loose right there on the dinner table.

She has a big orgasm, & Joe sits down.

His girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, & Mom is beaming from ear to
ear. But still....Total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.

Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.

Suddenly the father shouts.

I'll do the fuckin’ dishes!!




Me and the wife decided to make our own sex tape.

She was pissed off when I started holding auditions for her part.