A married Irishman went into the confessional box and said to his priest "I almost had an affair with another woman"
The priest said "What do you mean, almost ?"
The Irishman said "Well,we got undressed and rubbed together ,but then I stopped."
The priest said "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in.You're not to see that woman again.For your penance,say five Hail Mary's and put 50 pounds in the poor box.'
The Irishman left the confessional box ,said his prayers,and then walked over to the poor box.
He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying "I saw that.You didn't put any money in the poor box."
To which the Irishman replied "Well yeah, but I rubbed the 50 pounds on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in."
A guy walks into the bar of a restaurant and goes to the bartender and asks "How much for a beer?"
The bartender replies "Free".
The customer, completely amazed, orders a beer then asks the bartender "Well then how much for a NY sirloin, with side of mashed potatoes and salad, and an entire cheesecake for desert?"
The Bartender replies "Free".
The guy, still amazed, then orders everything and after he is done eating his meal, then says "Wow, this place is amazing, I really wish I could meet the owner of this place".
The bartender then says "Oh well, he's upstairs in his office with my wife".
The guy looks all confused, then asks "What is he doing upstairs in his office with your wife?"
The bartender then says "The same thing I'm doing to his business".
For all of you out there who have had to
deal with an irate customer, this one is for you.
A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.
Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."
The agent replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first; and then I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that
the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"
Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention, please?", she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him with his identity, please come to Gate 14".
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically,
the man glared at the United Airlines agent, gritted his teeth, and said, "F*** You!"
Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry sir,
you'll have to get in line for that, too."