Jokes thread......

[Great-Bit-O-Stuff]

A Californian blonde went into a world wide message centre to send a message to her mother overseas.
When the man told her it would cost $300, she exclaimed: "I don't have any money." But I'd do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother."
The man arched an eyebrow (as we would expect).
"Anything?" he asked.
"Yes, yes, anything" the blonde promised.
Well, then, "Just follow me" said the man as he walked towards the next room.
The blonde did as she was told and followed the man.
" Come in and close the door" the man said.
She did.
He then said "Now get on your knees."
She did.
"Now take down my zipper."
She did.
"Now go ahead ... Take it out....." He said.
She reached in and grabbed it with both hands .
Then paused.
The man closed his eyes and whispered ..
"Well ... Go ahead."
The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it and while holding it close to her lips, .... .tentatively said ....
"Hello. Mum, can you hear me?"

 

[Pontipine]

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, 'We only have one rule here in heaven:don't step on the ducks!'

So they enter heaven, and sure enough,
there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says,
'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!'

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing.
With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St.Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on .... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, 'I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?'

The guy says, 'I don't know about you, but I stepped on a
duck

 

[sigourney's knickers]

I was addicted to the hokey pokey, but then I turned myself around

I know what you mean. I was addicted to the Birdy song and started Tweeting so much that I turned into a complete wanker.

 

[jimmym]

Most people are shocked when they find out how bad I am as an electrician.

When ever people my ability as a carpenter i invite them to call over and tell them my door is
always open,

 

[Drucker]

“When I was younger and told people I wanted to be a comedian they laughed at me. They’re not laughing now.”
-Bob Monkhouse

 

[Carmona]

Build a man a fire and he’ll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.

I'm fucking tempted to add that to our workplace 'inspiring quotations' board. You know the type.

 

[SoundMan]

I'm fucking tempted to add that to our workplace 'inspiring quotations' board. You know the type.

The ones with "The floggings will continue until morale improves"?

 

[Carmona]

The ones with "The floggings will continue until morale improves"?

Unfortunately not, Soundy. The ones with, "Sometimes just holding hands is enough". I'd be like, Yeah, but sometimes you want a blowie, so holding fuckin' hands isn't enough.

 

[sigourney's knickers]

Sometimes just holding hands means Covid.

 

[Drucker]

I heard there were a bunch of break-ins over at the car park. That is wrong on so many levels

You forgot “multi storey.”

Mortified for you