Jokes thread......

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. As he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their orders.

The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be £6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again.

"The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man, "same for me," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will be £12.62." Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer.

"Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress.

"That's right. Whether it's a pint of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "One other thing, what's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."
 
An HR manager was knocked down (tragically) by a bus and was killed. Her soul arrived at the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter welcomed her. “Before you get settled in” he said, “We have a little problem…you see, we’ve never had a HR manager make it this far before and we’re not really sure what to do with you.”

“Oh, I see,” said the woman, “can’t you just let me in?”

“Well, I’d like to,” said St Peter, “But I have higher orders. We’re instructed to let you have a day in hell and a day in heaven, and then you are to choose where you’d like to go for all eternity.”

“Actually, I think I’d prefer heaven”, said the woman. “Sorry, we have rules…” at which St. Peter put the HR manager into the downward bound elevator.

As the doors opened in Hell she stepped out onto a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club; around her were many friends, past fellow executives, all smartly dressed, happy, and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks, and they talked about old times.

They played a perfect round of golf and afterwards went to the country club where she enjoyed a superb steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil (who was actually rather nice) and she had a wonderful night telling jokes and dancing.

Before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everyone shook her hand and waved goodbye as she stepped into the elevator. The elevator went back up to heaven where St. Peter was waiting for her. “Now it’s time to spend a day in heaven,” he said.

So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds, playing the harp and singing; which was almost as enjoyable as her day in Hell. At the day’s end St. Peter returned. “So,” he said, “You’ve spent a day in hell and you’ve spent a day in heaven”. “You must choose between the two.”

The woman thought for a second and replied: “Well, heaven is certainly lovely, but I actually had a better time in hell. I choose Hell.”

Accordingly, St. Peter took her to the elevator again and she went back down to hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in rubbish and filth. She saw her friends dressed in rags, picking up rubbish and putting it in old sacks. The Devil approached and put his arm around her.

“I don’t understand,” stuttered the HR manager, “The other day I was here, and there was a golf course, and a country club. We ate lobster, and we danced and had a wonderful happy time. Now all there is, is just dirty wasteland of rubbish and all my friends look miserable.”

The Devil simply looked at her and smiled, “Yesterday we were recruiting you, today you’re staff.”
 
Not a lot of people know it, but every time there’s a football World Cup, there’s also an Insect Football World Cup. It’s only ever been won by the Centipedes and the Millipedes (yes, I know they’re not insects) because, well, they’ve just got more legs. But one year, a rank outsider team, the Earwigs, somehow managed to reach the final against the Millipedes.
But getting there takes a mighty toll on the Earwigs; they’ve taken so many injuries that they’ve only got one player on the bench. Now, what I haven’t told you is that, rather like the Leicester Tigers of my youth, the players don’t wear numbers on their shirts. Instead, they have letters. The Earwigs’ forwards were, just like the Tigers, known as the ABC Club.
But I digress. The Earwigs’ sub wasn’t much. He normally cleaned the teams’ boots. A big task, given they all wore three pairs, but he proudly wore the letter O on his shirt but never expected to play. Come final day, O is very nervous but doesn’t expect to be asked to play. He’s hoping that the starting eleven will make it through, whatever the score. And they’re all expecting a thrashing given that the Millipedes have over 160 times more feet. And so it happens.
Within ten seconds of the first whistle, a Millipede shimmers forward with the ball between his many feet, curls his body and nets one. And this just keeps happening. By half time, the score is 100-0 and another Millipede World Cup win looks inevitable.
And then just before half time, disaster strikes for the Earwigs. Earwig B, their centre forward and one of the famed ABC Club, breaks a leg. Half time and the Earwigs’ manager is desperate. He has to put O on for the second half, but all O has ever done is polish the boots. But, as the referee whistles to start the second half, the manager is amazed to see what happens.
Kickoff and O jags to the left, sprints past several Millipedes and shoots. It’s 100-1. And when the Millipedes take the restart, O leaps into the air, intercepts the ball, drops it to his feet and shoots. Goal!! 100-2. This goes on for the whole of the second half. Leas than a minute to go, scores are level and the whole stadium is on edge. The World Cup has never been won by a team with players with less than 100 legs.
Final kick off, O gathers the ball, dummies to the right, passes to A, sprints to the box, receives the perfect cross and heads in for a winner.
The final whistle blows and the stadium erupts. O can’t believe what’s happened. In the dressing room afterwards, he’s sitting away from the rest of the team. After all, he’s just the boot boy. The team rise to go to the cup ceremony, but O stays seated. “O, you’ve got to go out to the prize giving” says the manager. But still, he sits there. “I’m only the boot boy”, he says, “the rest of you go, it’s your win, I’ve got all these boots to clean”.
“Come on O, you’ve got to go out. You won the Cup for us and the fans are screaming for you. They’re even singing your song” says the manager. “My song?” ask O, “but I haven’t got a song. I’m just humble boot boy” The manager opens the door and sure enough, the crowd is singing at full volume. So O listens and yes, they’re singing his song.









Wait for it…….. “Ere’ we go, ere’ we go, ‘ere we go, ‘ere we go, ‘ere we go, ‘ere we go’
 
A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying
"I've had enough and have left you...don't bother coming after me" Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.
After a short while the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom.
She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note... After a few minutes he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone...
"She's finally gone...yeah I know, about bloody time, I'm coming to see you, put on that sexy French nightie. I love you...can't wait to see you...we'll do all the naughty things you like"
He hung up, grabbed his keys and left. She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed. Seething with rage and with tears in her eyes she grabbed the note to see what he wrote...
"I can see your feet - We're outta bread: be back in five minutes"
 
A Dublin man sees a sign outside a Kerry farmhouse:
'Talking Dog For Sale'....He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.
The man sees a very nice looking Black Labrador Retriever sitting there.
"Do you really talk?" He asks the dog.
"Yes!" The Labrador replies.
After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, the man asks, "So, tell me your story!"
The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I joined the Garda.
"In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world drug lords, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping.
I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years, But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Dublin airport to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired!"
The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the Kerryman how much he wants for the dog.
"Ten quid!" The owner says.
“A tenner??But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"













"Because he's a lying cunt. He's never been out of the garden!"
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
 
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven:

When they get there, St. Peter says. "We only have one rule here in heaven, don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.

It is almost impossible not to step on a duck and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Well, along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says. "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks. And then one day St.Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on - Very tall, long eyelashes.and muscular. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says. "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

The forlorn guy says. "I don't know about you, but I accidentally stepped on a duck!"
 
EVENT GUIDE - HIGHLIGHT
Tom Odell
Live At The Marquee

25th Jun 2024 @ 8:00 pm
More info..

Brgeal

Crane Lane Theatre, Tomorrow @ 9pm

More events ▼
Top