Jokes thread......

A stockbroker walks past a kid selling lemonade.
“Hey mister, ya want some lemonade?”
The stockbroker is just getting out of his brand-new BMW in a nice tailored suit. He was about to walk past when he a double take at the sign that says “Lemonade $50”.

“Your sign is wrong kid. I think you mean fifty cents”.

The little girl shakes her head. “Nope, fifty bucks mister. I need the money for Space Camp!”

The stockbroker pauses for a minute, because he appreciates a good hustle but clearly this kid is going about it the wrong way. “Look sweetie, I know you’re trying to make money but you have to charge what people are willing to pay. No one is going to pay that much for a tiny cup of lemonade. Now what do you think is a fair price?”

The little girl beams and says “Fifty bucks mister!”

The stockbroker gives a little sigh and shakes his head. “Okay I’m gonna pass. You see? You can’t make a profit when no one pays your price. Now do you have anything else for sale?”

“Homemade brownies, ten cents!”

The stockbroker winces in frustration. “Okay look, I studied economics at Harvard and I got my MBA from Wharton so I’m going to teach you a little about business, okay? Now each of your little cups of lemonade probably costs you about ten cents including the margin cost of your stand”. He takes out a dollar. “I’ll pay you ten times that much because I want to help you understand about markup”.

The little girl shakes her head and smiles. “No thanks, mister. Fifty bucks please!”

“You know what? I give up. Take this dollar and I’m going to buy ten of your brownies, I know you’re losing money on them, and I’m not going to buy a single cup of your overpriced lemonade. I’m trying to be nice and teach you about business but I guess this is the only way for you to learn a lesson”.

“Okay!” The girl takes the dollar and puts ten brownies on a plate.

Just to make the point, the stockbroker decides to eat one of the brownies right in front of her. Suddenly he begins coughing and gagging uncontrollably. “Oh my God… what is… what did you put in these!!?”

She grins happily and says “It’s my special recipe! Eggs, flour, butter, cocoa, sawdust and dog poop!”

“This is horrible! I have to get this taste out of my mouth!”

The little girl takes out a jar full of $50 bills, cocks her head to the side and says through a beaming grin “Ya want some lemonade?”
 
It's not difficult. To make a woman happy, a man only needs to be:
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynaecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organiser
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
44. give her compliments regularly
45. love shopping
46. be honest
47. be very rich
48. not stress her out
49. not look at other girls
AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
50. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
51. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
52. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes
53. IT IS VERY IMPORTANT to never forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes
=========================================
HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY
1. Feed Him.
2. F*ck Him.
3. Be quiet.

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Not that long ago in a local Macdonald's an old man placed an order for one hamburger, chips, and a drink. He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the chips, divided them into two piles, and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip, and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering. Obviously, they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.' As the man began to eat his chips a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything... People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.' Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?' She answered 'the teeth'.
 
Irish Government urging anyone who bought tickets to Garth Brooks for next year should get tested for Covid immediately as they have one of the classic symptoms of the disease...no taste
 
I stole this 🤣


Tom finally decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend,Jane.
One evening, after the honeymoon, he was welding some stuff in the garage just for fun.
His new wife was standing there at the bench watching him.
After a long period of silence she finally spoke, "Honey, I've just been thinking, now that we are finally married maybe it's time you quit spending all your time out here in the shop.
You probably should just consider selling all your welders along with your gun collection and that stupid vintage Harley.
Tom got a horrified look on his face.
She said, "Darling, what's wrong?"
He replied, "There for a minute you were starting to sound like my ex-wife."
"Ex-wife!" she screamed, "YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!"
Tom replied: “I wasn't."
 
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