Jokes thread......

[psy93]

So a nun was at Confessional…

So a nun is at Confession and admits to the Mother Superior that she had cussed. Concerned, the Mother Superior asked her to explain the situation which caused her to swear.

“Well, last Saturday I decided to go play a game of golf and on the first hole, I took a mighty swing but the ball sliced into the trees.”

“And that’s what caused you to cuss?”

“No, actually,” the nun said, “I calmly walked into the woods and took another swing. But the wind carried my ball into the woods on the other side of the fairway

“Is that what caused you to swear?”

“No, no. Again I calmly went to find my ball, and patiently hit the ball but it bounced off a tree.”

“And that’s when you swore?”

“No, just as the ball was rolling to a stop, a squirrel came by and picked up my ball and started running away with it.”

“Is that why you swore?”

“No, amazingly an eagle swooped out of the sky and grabbed the squirrel with the ball still in its mouth.”

“Surely, my child, this is why you decided to swear?”

“Well, no, actually. What happened was, the squirrel dropped the ball less than a foot from the hole before it disappeared into the clouds.”

“Don’t tell me you missed the fucking putt?”

 

[Great-Bit-O-Stuff]

A police man goes up to a bloke and says please blow into this bag sir.
The bloke says I only had one drink and that was a while back.
Why should I blow into your bag ??
The police said cos my chips are too hot !!

 

[westieboyo]

A police man goes up to a bloke and says please blow into this bag sir.
The bloke says I only had one drink and that was a while back.
Why should I blow into your bag ??
The police said cos my chips are too hot !!

Have you been opening your Xmas cracker early?

 

[Great-Bit-O-Stuff]

Courtesy of the Graphic Artist Jogcork, give him a follow

 

[Great-Bit-O-Stuff]

When a feen is born

 

[Great-Bit-O-Stuff]

It's raining hard and a big puddle is forming in front of an Irish pub. An odd-looking old man is standing beside a puddle holding a stick with a string on the end, while jiggling it up and down in the water.
A curious gentleman asks what he is doing?
"Fishing," replies the odd old man.
"Poor old fool," thinks the gentleman. But what the hell? He may well be good for a laugh, and so he invites him in for a drink in the pub.
Sipping their first whisky, the gentleman asks the obvious question, knowing he will relish the answer ever afterwards, to tell his friends:
"And how many have you caught?"
"You're my eighth, today."

 

[westieboyo]

I was getting a hand job off my new girlfriend when I asked. "How are you so good at this?"
"Years of practice," she replied.
"Bit of a player in your day?" I laughed.
"No, I used to be a bloke."

 

[Pontipine]

My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice restaurant and this guy walks in just as i let rip of a humongous porcelain splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, “player two has entered the game”.

 

[Great-Bit-O-Stuff]

With a very seductive voice the pretty Californian blonde wife asked her husband…
“Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?”
“No,” said her husband.
She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 buttons of her blouse, slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra, and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.
He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.
She then asked him, “Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?”
“Uh… no, I haven’t,” he said, with an anxious tone in his voice.
She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, seductively reached into her tight, sheer panties, and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.
He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill and started breathing a little more quickly with anticipation.
“Now,” she said, “have you ever seen $50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?”
“No way!” he said, while obviously becoming even more aroused and excited, to which she replied …
“Go look in the garage!”

 

[PROCNA2018]

16 sodium atoms walk into a bar followed by Batman...........