Jokes thread......

Son: Why is my sister called Teresa?
Dad: Coz your mum loves Easter - it's an anagram
Son: Thanks dad
Dad: No problem Alan


I'm having regular sex with a blind woman.

The sex is great but it isn't easy getting her husband’s voice right.


Just had a good night out down the pub so I jumped in a taxi and said "take me to where I can get my c**k sucked for a tenner bud"

Shocked and a Bit gutted when he dropped me outside my front door, .


Paddy and Murphy fancy a Pint but only have a £1 between them. Paddy goes off and buys a sausage.
Murphy says are You mad? Now we're skint! Come on says Paddy follow Me.
They go into the pub order two pints and drink them before they pay. Paddy shoves the Sausage through the zipper of his Jeans and tells Murphy to get down on his Knee's and suck it. The Barman go's berserk and throws them out.
10 pubs and 10 pints later Murphy says..
'I cant do this any more, my Knee's are sore and I'm pissed.

How do you think i feel? Says Paddy, I can't even remember which Pub I lost the Sausage in!?
 
A young woman started work in the Village chemist shop, she was very shy about having to sell condoms to the public.

The Chemist was going on holiday for a couple of days, and asked if she would be willing to run the shop on her own.

She had to confide in him her worries about selling condoms.

"Look" he said "My regular customers don't ask for condoms, they either ask for a 310 (small); a 320 (medium); or a 330 (large). The word condom is never mentioned".

The first day was fine, but on the second day a guy came into the shop, put out his hand and said “350" please.
The girl panicked. She phoned the Chemist on his mobile and told him of her predicament.

"Go back in and check if he has a bucket hanging between his legs," her boss told her.
She peeped through the door, and saw the bucket hanging between the guy's legs.

"Yes!” she shouted down the phone "he's got one hanging there!”


The boss replied, "Well, go back in there and give him Euro 3.50 ...he's the window cleaner.”
 
A man walks into a pub in deepest Wales and orders a white wine spritzer.
The bar goes silent as everyone stares at him.
"Where are you from, you sound English?"
"I am indeed from Manchester" replies the man nervously.
"And what exactly do you do on the Mainland?" asks the barman.
"I'm a taxidermist."
"What on earth is one of those?" He asks.
"I mount animals."

"Its alright boys," shouts the barman, "he's one of us."..
 
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death.
Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.
After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact:
" Marion .... Marion "
"Is that you, Bob?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"That's wonderful! What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course.
I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times.
Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again.
Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again"
"Oh, Bob! Are you in Heaven?"

"No -- I'm a rabbit in Douglas golf club'.
 
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death.
Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.
After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact:
" Marion .... Marion "
"Is that you, Bob?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"That's wonderful! What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course.
I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times.
Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again.
Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again"
"Oh, Bob! Are you in Heaven?"

"No -- I'm a rabbit in Douglas golf club'.
🤔
Niall Tobín joke.
"I'm a rabbit in Portmarnock".
 
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15th Feb 2025 @ 8:30 pm
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Sing It Back!

Cantys, Today @ 10pm

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