Jokes thread......

A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?"
Little Larry says: "I wanna start out as a Fighter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane."
The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Larry, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson

"And how about you, Sarah?"
"I wanna be Larry's whore"
 
A Liverpool pensioner has died and left all his worldly possessions to complete strangers.

Although they were the original ownners


Conservatives had pledged to invest in Merseyside and create 200,000 jobs if they won the election.

Labour now regard Liverpool as the safest seat in the UK
 
Seeing all the Celtic fans celebrating winning the Scottish Premiership reminded me of that time I broke open a bottle of champagne after beating my 6 year old daughter in an arm wrestle.


Nollaig O Muracu came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep,' Nollaig was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!' St.. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.'
Nollaig was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home.... The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground. A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?' 'Not bad , 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!' 'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before? ' 'Never,' said Nollaig. 'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.' Nollaig did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! Nollaig was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming. As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yell.....

Nollaig o Muracu, wake up....... You've shit the bed!
 
Apparently, up until the age of ten, Sean Connery's son thought Humpty Dumpty shat on a wall

I've discovered that I have a superpower. I can melt ice cubes just by staring at them.
It takes a while though.

Everyday my 90 year old neighbour who has alzhiemers knocks on my door and asks me if I've seen his wife .

And everyday I have to tell that 90 year old man his wife has been long dead .

You know I have thought of not answering the door I have even thought about moving house .

But you know it's worth it, each time just to see the smile on his face..

Jesus and his disciples walk into a restaurant. Jesus asks for a table for 26.

The head waiter says, “But there’s only 13 of you.â€

Jesus says, “Yeah, we’re all going to sit on the same side.â€
 
EVENT GUIDE - HIGHLIGHT
Tom Barry
The Richmond Revival, College Road, Fermoy, Co. Cork, P61 T292

4th Apr 2025 @ 7:00 pm
More info..
More events ▼
Top