Jokes thread......

I went to my local GP's to make an appointment to see the doctor.

They said I'm afraid the earliest they can see you is 3 months."

" What? 3 months! OK morning or afternoon?" I asked.

At this point the person in the queue behind me said. "What difference does it make! "

"Well" I explained "I've got the emergency plumber coming in the morning"

The original is better

 
Diane Abbott goes to the doctors and says: "Dr, I need your help. I'm 68 years old and I can't count".
Dr says; "What I'm going to need you to do is strip naked and squat in the corner over there".
She does so and he then instructs her to move to another corner and do the same, then to by the wall next to his university degree and then to by the window.
She says, "Dr, how is this going to help me with my counting"?
He says, "It won't, there's **** all I can do. But I've just ordered a new black leather armchair and I'm wondering where it will look best".
 
Putin is visiting a school and after his speech pupils can ask questions,
Little Sacha pipes up, "why are you invading peaceful Ukraine?"
Teacher jumps in "Time for lunch we can ask more questions after"
After lunch Teacher asks "now any questions"
Ivan pipes up, "I have two questions?"
"Why are we invading peaceful Ukraine and where is Sacha?"
 
Donald Trump has a heart attack and dies.
He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do.
I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you.
I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place.
I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
Donald thought that sounded pretty good so he agreed.
The devil opened the first room.
In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water.
He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and over, such was his fate in Hell.
"No!" Donald said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."
The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
"No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented Donald.
The Devil opened a third door. In it, Donald saw Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
Trump looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."
The Devil smiled and said, "Monica, you're free to go!"
 
A farmer had a wife who nagged him endlessly. From morning till night she was always complaining about something.

The only time he got any peace was when he was out ploughing with his old mule.

One day, out in the fields, his wife brought him lunch as usual & began nagging him again. Complain, nag, complain, nag - it just went on and on.

Suddenly, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet, catching her on the back of the head, killing her stone dead.

At the funeral several days later, the Vicar noticed something odd.

When a female mourner approached the farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a male mourner approached, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.

After the funeral, the Vicar asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with the men.

The farmer said, 'Well, the women came up and said something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement.'

'And what about the men?' the minister asked.

'They wanted to know if the mule was for sale.'.
 
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