Friends, Drink and Loneliness in Ireland

[Pontipine]

Join a Pitch&Putt course. If someone is capable of making sounds out their mouth they’ll gain new friends. It’s a game for the young and old and the few of us in between. It saddens me to hear of anyone being lonely

 

[fed up]

Join a Pitch&Putt course. If someone is capable of making sounds out their mouth they’ll gain new friends. It’s a game for the young and old and the few of us in between. It saddens me to hear of anyone being lonely

Made friends through fishing all my life...
Shared interests go a long way.

 

[Happyhonkaman]

There's a lot of loneliness in Ireland. I'd include myself in that. I don't have a partner and didn't get on with dating. I don't have kids. With the ups and downs of life I've made many friends and many friends groups and we've gone our separate ways as the years went on. Talking to someone with thirty years on me (and I'm not young) they still meet up with their school friends for the big day out, not the people they met once they hit their twenties and later. I've heard people say Ireland has a problem with making friendships in adulthood. And the same people say Ireland has a problem with drink.

Old people are going mental on the streets and in the pubs after two years without them. I and the people I know show there's absolutely no willingness for people to meet up to "do something." I wouldn't even know how to get people to agree to "do something" (despite trying) and I wouldn't even know what you could do if people would agree. The pub and booze is always there, and a lot can happen quietly between a pint and an ad break in a match on TV. A lot can be said when you're the first two people into the pub and, "Did you hear? X is not well." And no-one mentions it again, but everyone pays a little bit more attention. A lot of informal connection can be made just sitting next to someone for four or five hours.

You hear of people scoffing when "rural" pints and pubs were taken away, smoking bans and drink driving bans. "It's dangerous!" And now drink in places with bus routes is too expensive, "You can have a coffee. Drink is bad." Find me a café with the same wander-in, wander-out clientele as a bar.

When people talk about Ireland's drinking problem, and tackling it, and people defend the pub as a "social event" they never say the truth. It always becomes about "drinking" and never about the isolation. The isolation drinking transcends. The two are totally tied together where tackling one without the other will end up in disaster. And you'd only ever hear hints at people talking about this problem (to be fair, the vested interest @ikari warrior has been one.)

I was just wondering what the PROC thinks about this? There's plenty of mentions of families and partners on here (restaurant thread is an example) and dating and missuses (or exes) so not everyone is completely alone. Is there a general understanding in Ireland (and Cork) that there are, I'd guess, many people who feel alone and are just getting by, and the pub and drink is how they get by. Now, after two years of feeling horrifically alone (at a minimum) pub prices, and violence, and scare stories, and heating and food costs are making a lot of people more alone than ever. Which is hard to deal with when two years of lockdown and isolation have made people people feel more fully than ever how isolated they actually are.

I hate my own company, always did, but then I have never had to get used to it either I suppose as I was always living with family, friends or my wife and kids. Our house is the open house where every kid on the street ends up most days so any times it feels like I'm living on Pana with the never ending mayhem and I'd love a bit of peace.

Peoples situations change as well though - my mum lost my dad 5 years ago and has had to re-build a new life since as they were peas in a pod and she didn't want to go back to the things they did together without him. I have to say, Ireland and community in general has come through in spades for her and she is now hiking every weekend all over munster with a group, casual cycling with another, swimming a kilometre a session when she never really swam a lot before, knitting group who meet in a pub (hmm!), about 4 or 5 trips a year with various people and groups etc etc. The options are out there, but only if you want them. I have a buddy who has gone though a bad divorce and haven't managed to convince him to do a single thing for himself, so he would tell you that there is nothing out there for anyone, but thats not the case.

 

[fed up]

I hate my own company, always did, but then I have never had to get used to it either I suppose as I was always living with family, friends or my wife and kids. Our house is the open house where every kid on the street ends up most days so any times it feels like I'm living on Pana with the never ending mayhem and I'd love a bit of peace.

Peoples situations change as well though - my mum lost my dad 5 years ago and has had to re-build a new life since as they were peas in a pod and she didn't want to go back to the things they did together without him. I have to say, Ireland and community in general has come through in spades for her and she is now hiking every weekend all over munster with a group, casual cycling with another, swimming a kilometre a session when she never really swam a lot before, knitting group who meet in a pub (hmm!), about 4 or 5 trips a year with various people and groups etc etc. The options are out there, but only if you want them. I have a buddy who has gone though a bad divorce and haven't managed to convince him to do a single thing for himself, so he would tell you that there is nothing out there for anyone, but thats not the case.

You just described my house lol.

 

[Happyhonkaman]

You just described my house lol.

Organised mayhem!

 

[Drucker]

Made friends through fishing all my life...
Shared interests go a long way.

Rod?

 

[Matlock]

I hate my own company, always did, but then I have never had to get used to it either I suppose as I was always living with family, friends or my wife and kids. Our house is the open house where every kid on the street ends up most days so any times it feels like I'm living on Pana with the never ending mayhem and I'd love a bit of peace.

Peoples situations change as well though - my mum lost my dad 5 years ago and has had to re-build a new life since as they were peas in a pod and she didn't want to go back to the things they did together without him. I have to say, Ireland and community in general has come through in spades for her and she is now hiking every weekend all over munster with a group, casual cycling with another, swimming a kilometre a session when she never really swam a lot before, knitting group who meet in a pub (hmm!), about 4 or 5 trips a year with various people and groups etc etc. The options are out there, but only if you want them. I have a buddy who has gone though a bad divorce and haven't managed to convince him to do a single thing for himself, so he would tell you that there is nothing out there for anyone, but thats not the case.

I think women are better than men at accessing though things, particularly post bereavement. My mother had to rebuild her life after my father's death and I honestly think if it was the other way round he would not have managed. He wasn't a drinker and I think that makes it hard for a man to socialize alone in Ireland.

 

[fed up]

Organised mayhem!

Ya , but I make sure I make a couple of hours for myself every day.
Trust me Honky when they grow up it gets worse, moved out but always here still with friends partners and grandchildren.

 

[Happyhonkaman]

I think women are better than men at accessing though things, particularly post bereavement. My mother had to rebuild her life after my father's death and I honestly think if it was the other way round he would not have managed. He wasn't a drinker and I think that makes it hard for a man to socialize alone in Ireland.

You are probably right - I dont really know. Neither of my parents were drinkers so the pub wouldn't have factored either. I honestly wouldn't have imagined my mum being so adaptable/resilient until I saw it, and I would have understood why she wouldn't have been only that it has turned our the opposite, but that is after a a good few years of encouraging etc.

My father in law has also done brilliantly since my MIL passed about 2 years ago. He is back golfing, going to rugby, trips with friends, trips up to us - he'll be up for the munster match this weekend so looking forward to that. I see the same things to be honest, friends and community throwing their arms around him and making sure he is out and about

 

[SoundMan]

There's a lot of loneliness in Ireland. I'd include myself in that. I don't have a partner and didn't get on with dating. I don't have kids. With the ups and downs of life I've made many friends and many friends groups and we've gone our separate ways as the years went on. Talking to someone with thirty years on me (and I'm not young) they still meet up with their school friends for the big day out, not the people they met once they hit their twenties and later. I've heard people say Ireland has a problem with making friendships in adulthood. And the same people say Ireland has a problem with drink.

Old people are going mental on the streets and in the pubs after two years without them. I and the people I know show there's absolutely no willingness for people to meet up to "do something." I wouldn't even know how to get people to agree to "do something" (despite trying) and I wouldn't even know what you could do if people would agree. The pub and booze is always there, and a lot can happen quietly between a pint and an ad break in a match on TV. A lot can be said when you're the first two people into the pub and, "Did you hear? X is not well." And no-one mentions it again, but everyone pays a little bit more attention. A lot of informal connection can be made just sitting next to someone for four or five hours.

You hear of people scoffing when "rural" pints and pubs were taken away, smoking bans and drink driving bans. "It's dangerous!" And now drink in places with bus routes is too expensive, "You can have a coffee. Drink is bad." Find me a café with the same wander-in, wander-out clientele as a bar.

When people talk about Ireland's drinking problem, and tackling it, and people defend the pub as a "social event" they never say the truth. It always becomes about "drinking" and never about the isolation. The isolation drinking transcends. The two are totally tied together where tackling one without the other will end up in disaster. And you'd only ever hear hints at people talking about this problem (to be fair, the vested interest @ikari warrior has been one.)

I was just wondering what the PROC thinks about this? There's plenty of mentions of families and partners on here (restaurant thread is an example) and dating and missuses (or exes) so not everyone is completely alone. Is there a general understanding in Ireland (and Cork) that there are, I'd guess, many people who feel alone and are just getting by, and the pub and drink is how they get by. Now, after two years of feeling horrifically alone (at a minimum) pub prices, and violence, and scare stories, and heating and food costs are making a lot of people more alone than ever. Which is hard to deal with when two years of lockdown and isolation have made people people feel more fully than ever how isolated they actually are.

As someone who is a very sociable animal and would have described myself as a pub-aholic back in the day - regularly going into pubs just to drink a mineral or even a bottled water - I fully concur on the fact that while it was often dismissed as being the source of alcoholism the pub scene in Ireland could be brilliant. People drinking at home instead doesn't mean less alcoholism.

In many cases rurally, the trip to the pub after a hard days work was the chance to interact with others of similar situations.

As someone else has said, when you've a shared interest it's much easier to talk, make acquaintances, and that can develop into friendship or even more.

I left school decades ago and I still knock around with guys from my class. But I also have other pals that I first met in pubs that I'm friendly with for over 40 years. Or guys where I've worked for many a year. Indeed there's even a couple of pals I made from the last place I worked who I know would do me a favour if they could and who despite not being in contact for many months would just take up the conversation again as if we'd chatted only yesterday.

But if you're looking for new easy to join, common interest local things that can spread the circle of your acquaintances can I recommend Bridge (most clubs are crying out for new members), or a hill-walking club. I've found both brilliant over the last couple of years. And married, single, gregarious, or loner, it doesn't much matter in either.

Good luck with it.