Jokes thread......

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Nôtre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.
After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day. Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job. The bishop was incredulous. “You have no arms!”
“No matter”, said the man, “Observe!”

He then began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo. But suddenly, as he rushed forward to strike the bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.

The stunned bishop rushed down two hundred and ninety-five church steps to find that a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moment before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, “Bishop, who was this man?”
“I don't know his name,” the bishop sadly replied, “but his face rings a bell.”

The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame.

The first man to approach him said, “Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honour his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty.”
The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, but as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, twirled around and died on the spot.

Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. “What has happened? Who is this man?” the first monk asked breathlessly. “I don't know his name,” sighed the distraught bishop, “but he’s a dead ringer for his brother!”
 
Man tells his wife to get ready, you, me and the dog are going fishing.

Wife says she doesn't want to go.

Man gives her 3 options: Fishing, b**w job or take it up the a**

Wife picks blow job.

After sucking for a while she says yuk, your dick tastes like shit.

He says I know, the dog didn't want to go fishing either.
 
There's a space mission to the moon with two monkeys and a Blonde woman on board.
Control calls, "Monkey number one to the monitor."
The monkey is instructed to release the pressure in compartment one, increase the temperature in engine four and release oxygen to the reactors.
The monkey does everything right away.

A few moments later Control calls again "Monkey two to the monitor"
The second monkey is instructed to add carbon dioxide to room four, stop the fuel injection to engine three, add nitrogen to the fuel compartment and analyse and transmit solar radiation readings. The monkey does as instructed.

Few minutes later, Houston calls again "Blond Woman, please approach the screen."
She sits down and immediately interrupts the dispatcher: "I know, I know, feed the monkeys, and don't touch anything."
 
A lady goes to her priest one day & tells him:

''Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know to say one thing.''

"What do they say?" the priest asked.

They say, ''Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?''

''That's obscene!'' the priest exclaimed,

Then he thought for a moment......

"You know,'' he said, ''I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible...

Bring your two parrots over to my house, & we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.
My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship, & your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time.''

''Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution.''

The next day, She brought her female parrots to the priest's house....As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads & praying...

Impressed, She walked over & placed her parrots in the cage with them...

After a few minutes, The female parrots cried out in unison:

"Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

There was stunned silence...

Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot & says...

'Put the beads away, Frank, Our prayers have been answered !
 
A lady goes to her priest one day & tells him:

''Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know to say one thing.''

"What do they say?" the priest asked.

They say, ''Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?''

''That's obscene!'' the priest exclaimed,

Then he thought for a moment......

"You know,'' he said, ''I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible...

Bring your two parrots over to my house, & we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.
My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship, & your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time.''

''Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution.''

The next day, She brought her female parrots to the priest's house....As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads & praying...

Impressed, She walked over & placed her parrots in the cage with them...

After a few minutes, The female parrots cried out in unison:

"Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

There was stunned silence...

Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot & says...

'Put the beads away, Frank, Our prayers have been answered !
Now that one was funny! 😂
 
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