Buenos Aires Intelligence Report II

La República Popular de Cork - Intelligence Report from Buenos Aires Part II
Comrade Uinsinn MacCearat

Buenos Aires is like Cork, only about 50 times bigger.

It's no secret that one of the many virtues of Cork is the fact that it is a city perfectly designed to serve the needs of its citizens. A masterpiece of urban planning, its compact dimensions allow busy Corkonians to go about their business at lightning speed. Since the opening of the Jack Lynch tunnel, my buddy Liam's Twin Cam has been able to get from St. Luke's Cross to Select in Douglas in the time it takes him to listen to Right Here, Right Now by Fatboy Slim from start to finish. Providing it's after midnight, of course. But then again, that is when Liam conducts most of his trade, if you know what I mean. If you follow me, like.....I mean, how do you think he gets the grade for the insurance, like?

Cork is the right size. And it follows logically that anywhere that's bigger than Cork is too big. Which makes Buenos Aires about 50 times too big.

Evidence for the prosecution:



Look at Pana, lah. The perfect street for a good gatch on a Saturday. Few games of pool in the Vic, stroll over Patrick's Bridge, hello Father Matthew, lamp the ould dolls outside Merchant's Quay, stop to watch the ould fella tap dancing outside Cash's (he's a scream, biy), into the Long Valley for a pint and a toasted sandwich while you listen to the fella playing the saw outside.

Back onto Pana, cross the road and watch the fellas with the dreadlocks jumping around the place, stop for a pint in the Vineyard, into HMV for a look around, cross the road, into the Mutton Lane Inn for a quick one, and on to the Queens Old Castle. Effortless. Nice and short, fed, watered and entertained all the way.

his is the 9 de Julio, the Pana of Buenos Aires. It's massive! This is as much of it as I could fit into one snap, but it's about ten miles long, it's got 16 lanes of traffic, and it's jammers night and day.


It's the noisiest place in the world, I know because I lived on it for two months, and the industrial earplugs that I got were useless for keeping out the noise. Unreeal biy. Cars, buses, fire brigades, ambulances, twin bulbs, they tear up and down 24 hours a day.

It takes as long to get from one side to the other as it does to walk the length of Pana. And I wouldn't try it without taking out an insurance policy first. To walk the length of it, you'll need a day off, good strong shoes, a packed lunch, a change of t-shirt, and the Henry's Sweat 13th Birthday Party Mix (Parts 1 and 2) on the iPod.


In Cork, you can be playing keepie uppies in Fitzgerald's Park at midday, and floating around off Poll Gorm lamping dolphins by about…twenty past. Then you can pan out for the afternoon, or go to another 5 beaches before being back in the gaff in the city before the Angelus is over, full of choc ices, hot KC's creole in the lámh. In Buenos Aires, the closest beach is 3 and a half hours away, and it's in a different country!! And I'll tell ya, it's no joke getting there.

For the benefit of the troops, I did the journey, taking the camera along to record the event. For this trip, you'll need the same action pack as before, plus Henry's Sweat New Years Eve 1998 (Parts 1 and 2), Greg & Shane Live at Metroland 1996, togs, a towel, some bodice for the ferry, a 2-litre of Tanora and a packet of Silvermints.

Step 1
Outside the front door, heading towards the Pasteur Subte (subway) station. Rucksack on. Run through the pocket checklist, passport, fags, lighter, keys, wallet, phone, camera, iPod, skins…say no more.

Something's catching their eye..

Step 2
There's law all over the place, be wide out, these fellas will haul you in for nothing, especially if you look like you're in a hurry. Follow from a safe distance.

Step 3
Arrive at Pasteur Subte station. Buy a ticket and onto the train heading for L.N Alem. Un billete, por favor.

Step 4
Get off at Carlos Pellegrini station, go through the underground tunnel that brings you over to Line C, keeping up a good speed all the way. Take this train down to the ferry terminal. Buy your ticket for Colonia in Uruguay, get your People's Republic passport stamped. Gracias, oficial, que tenga un buen día.

Step 5
All aboard! You're on the high seas now, wave at the posh feens in the Yacht Club on the way.

There's nobody there, they must have all gone to the RCYC for Cork Week. Langers.

Step 6
Once through passport control in Colonia, rent yourself one of these mad looking buggy yokes and ask directions for the beach. ¿Dónde está la playa, por favor? Shouldn't take more than 40 minutes, depending on traffic.

Step 7
You're at the beach, put the towel down, get into your togs and in for a swim. Wave to the other bathers. You have 5 minutes, then it's time to dry off, shake the water out of your ears, back into the buggy, full speed for the ferry, which leaves in half an hour. Same journey again in reverse. If you make it, you should be back in your gaff in Buenos Aires by nightfall.

Back in the gaff, collapse into the cot, flahed out from all the travelling. Ready to do it again the following day if the forecast is good.

Can't wait to be back in Cork. Life is so much simpler.

Check out part one here

If you'd like to submit an article to PROC email editor@peoplesrepublicofcork.com

 
 
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