The Diary of Ulick O'T (1)

29th Oct 2002

THE DIARY OF ULICK O'T

MONDAY - 20 MAY

Rejoice! Rejoice! The Election has seen true common sense prevail. It was touch-and-go for a while on Friday, and I can tell you I was concerned. The Lefties have a tendency to come out of the woodwork at times like this. But no, common sense has won the day. Went to Blackrock to the folks' place and the Old Fella was thrilled. He also appreciated me coming down from Cherryvale to vote Southside. Couple of brownie points earned there. High five to me on that one, especially since he's giving me the car for Cardiff. He even cracked open the champers!
Anyway, great that the economic policies that have made this country were rewarded and we have five more years of Free Market politics. Mary Harney has to be the greatest thing that has happened to this country. I do hope she continues with privatisation. Start now with public transport. And while they're at it deal with the Unions! Especially the public sector ones. Get the lazy bastards to stop going on strike at the drop of a hat. It's the Free Market that made the Celtic Tiger, not some whingeing teacher or nurse. When the Old Lady was outside in the kitchen fixing the roast, the Old Fella turned to me and said if he was a little younger, he'd give Deirdre Clune one. I said, not to worry as I'd given my number two to Fine Gael to be safe, anyway. And on that, we raised our glasses and toasted to five more years and the Free Market.

TUESDAY - 21 MAY

Bastard landlord has put the rent up. Letter in the post today and up it's gone by 100 Euros for the month. OK, the gaff is great. And the chicks up in Cherryvale, Montenotte, are of the yummy mummy variety. But it does need some work. The power shower cuts out every time someone flushes the downstairs toilet. The microwave has seen better days. But 100 Euro extra is a bit steep. Probably one of these property speculators - i.e. a Guard from the country. Should go away and get a real job.
Training tonight at the Club. Some poster about drug-testing in sport went up. Jesus, the only drugs we do are Heiners!
Back to Cherryvale and I swear that one across the road winked at me as I was getting out of the car and she was coming across the lawn, watering it. She's certainly one yummy mummy.

WEDNESDAY - 22 MAY

Had to pop into the bank today and sort out the change of address. Been a bit of a problem since I moved down from Dublin. Anyway, slipped out of the office for what I thought would be 10 minutes. Ended up spending an hour dealing with the fiends in the bank. Got into the queue and waited an eternity. Then I was sent over to the adviser, fiend called Declan O'Sullivan. Anyway, he went through my details and said that my best bet was to move the account to the nearest branch of my address for convenience.
"OK, Declan. Where's the nearest AIB branch to Cherryvale, Montenotte?"
"Well Ulick, my chum, its AIB Mayfield. Good branch. Roy Keane even has an account there."
"Well I'm not really into soccer! Rugby is more my game."
"I hear you Ulick. I hear you. Sure hasn't Ronan O'Gara just opened an account there, like, the other day."
"Really!!! High five to Mayfield. Sign me on, Declan my good fiend."
Got back to the office late and Ciara, office foxy chick, smiled and told me if I was doing long lunches, I should at least leave a jacket on the chair, so the boss would think I had just popped out to the loo. High five to Ciara on that one. And I love the way she does that pouting thing. Hubba hubba.

THURSDAY - 23 MAY

Brownie points with the Old Fella lost! Shite! Sitting in the office when the mobile goes. Turns out to be him. He's in a high state of excitement.
"Listen Ulick, Humphrey from the AIB on the Mall has been on to me about your change of address for the Bank. Mayfield, he told me! AIB Mayfield. What the hell do you think you're doing?"
"Hey Dad! Chill! It's just convenient. Anyway, Ronan O'Gara has an account there. So does Roy Keane! Anyway, you know Humphrey and the loyalty thing."
"I don't care if Declan Kidney cleans the toilet in there. I don't care if Brian O'Driscoll has his Confirmation money in there. It's not the loyalty. It's the Mayfield factor! Jesus, Mayfuckingfield!"
"Hello?"
"Ulick! I'll spell it out very slowly. When you try to get on the property ladder, you'll need a mortgage!"
"Yup!"
"Brilliant! And how the hell are you going to get a mortgage from the AIB in Mayfield! Think boy. Think! Do you think there is any credit rating in that place? And as Humphrey says, no one from the Academy has ever had an account there, unless it's for other reasons. Now Humphrey says that if you get on to him now in the Mall, he'll have it sorted in no time." Ciara was at her desk, rolling her eyes up to heaven and sniggering away.
"OK, OK, OK. I'll get on to him."
"NOW Ulick! I haven't said a word of this to your Mother. Jesus, do you remember what she was like when you brought that trollop down from Dublin. The wan who said she was from Chapelizod and it turned out she was from Ballyfermot. Do I make myself clear!"
"I'm on to him now, Dad!"
Close one. The Old Lady I do not need on my back, especially after THAT incident. Hopefully doesn't ruin my chances of getting the car for the weekend. High five to Humphrey though. He's going to find out who that Declan fiend was and have him transferred to Macroom or even Limerick.

FRIDAY - 24 MAY

MUNSTER UBER ALLES! MUNSTER UBER ALLES!
Up at the crack of dawn, had to pop down to Blackrock to pick up the rugby shirts that the Old Lady was going to wash. Packed the two Munster ones away for Saturday. Will wear the Old School one for the boat. Anyway, had to pick the car up from Dad. All five of us in the Beamer - me, Brian, Doberman, John D and DD. Picked up the Heiner supplies from DD's gaff. And then over to pick up the caravan. High five to Doberman for pulling that one off. It was close on the accommodation front as everything was booked up by all the Limerick fiends, so Doberman got onto a friend of a friend and got us a caravan. Hitched it up to the back of the Old Fella's Beamer. Decked it out in the Munster colours and we're off for the ferry.
Who the fuck designed the Cork Ringroad? I really want to meet that guy and shake his hand. Not! Now I know I haven't driven in Cork for a while but did we have a hairy trip to Ringaskiddy to get the ferry. First up, we got stuck on the Rochestown Road and then we took the wrong turn down by the Rochestown Park hotel and ended up going up the exit rather than the entrance. Close one. Then we get on the Ringroad and Doberman is distracting me out the sunroof shouting "MUNSTER UBER ALLES" and the signs for West and East totally confused me. Next thing, we see the Jack Lynch tunnel coming up and the whole car is screaming "Northside, Northside - reverse Ulick!". Brian was totally freaked. "Ulick, are you trying to get us killed? Beamer with a caravan in the Northside!!! They'll think their Christmases have all come together!!! You fucking eejit!"
Eventually, we get back on the right road and off we go. No. Get stuck on the Kinsale Road roundabout. Lights go green at the Douglas side and I head for the middle lane. Turns out to be the wrong lane and the middle lights turn red. Only problem is I've got the Beamer in the Airport lane and the caravan in the Little Chef lane. And it's blocking the Douglas exit. And it's rush hour. Doberman isn't helping by being out the sunroof directing traffic with Hitler salutes. Now the commuting fiends are hooting us and shouting abuse about "rugger hugger fags" and "how they'll be late for work, thank you very fucking much". And all I can do is sit there and wave to them. And Doberman is screaming back at them, telling them to "all go back to the reservation". Eventually the lights turn green and because of the caravan and rush hour '