Why Cork People Should Be Vaccinated First
25th Jan 2021
Minister of Health and former Mr. Potato Head impersonator, Stephen Donnelly,
has said that almost the entire country will be vaccinated “by the end of
September” which will allow us get back to relative normality.
Cute as a fox, the Wicklow TD didn’t actually say what year he was talking
about and given the governments track record on other “urgent” health projects
like the National Children’s Hospital, this is obviously political speak for
September 2032 (ish) – at which point, knowing the litany of health related cock-ups
that have gone before us, it wouldn’t surprise us if we find out afterwards that
we were actually all injected with tears from Conor McGregor after being belted
around the ring again last Saturday night.
The slow and painful trickle of covid vaccines into the country is like trying
to watch a Youtube video in one of our great county’s 6,810 internet blackspots
(thanks, Leo) – for a moment there is hope as you get couple of frames in a row
- but before long it’s all jammed up and stalled again and you feel like
punching a Fine Gael election manifesto.
By the time the Dublin government’s vaccination blunderbus finally stumbles
into town and starts vaccinating Corkonians en masse, you’ll probably be told
to get your shot at the Event Centre on South Main Street and that you can get
there on the Cork LUAS powered exclusively by Clonakilty cow farts.
At that stage, it’s likely covid-19 will have mutated so much that getting the current
vaccine will be as effective as lighting a lovely scented candle you got from a
hippy at a market stall in Bantry.
This is why Corkonians need to club together right now and insist that either we
are vaccinated first or else we should start making the stuff ourselves. Seems
like a no brainer to us, but let’s go through the more glaringly obvious
reasons why all Corkonians should jump to the top of the vax-queue.
Jazz or War
Nobody wants civil unrest or a war over vaccines, but if you thought the
postponing of the Olympics, the Euros and Paddy’s Day 2020 was bad, wait until
you see the reaction if the Cork Jazz Festival is postponed again. It’ll make
the storming of The Capitol in Washington look like handbags outside a
Washington Street boozer on a Thursday night. This should be a huge incentive
for the government to prioritise vaccinating Cork.
Even then we couldn’t guarantee that Corkonians could be completely pacified.
That said, if we’re all vaccinated in time for the hurling and football
championships and allowed to pack out Páirc Uí Chaoimh to support the Rebels
(especially when they take on cocky All-Ireland champions Limerick), then it
may defer Cork’s cessation from the Republic of Ireland for some time.
Protect the Nation’s Geniuses
With all the right wing anti-science conspiracy crackpots up in Dublin
regularly protesting about covid restrictions, the Rebel county would be a far
more amenable place to start vaccinating with a much bigger appreciation down
here for science. Even when it comes to the things like the Young Scientist
competition we’re continually top of the league and Ireland should really be
protecting its geniuses – after all, they’ll be the ones making the vaccine for
the next pandemic.
Give Us The
Speaking of which, if the government refuse to prioritise us, then with all our
young, scientific whizzkids and pharmaceutical industry wisdom surely we could
start knocking out the vaccines ourselves at home while Donnelly’s Vax in the
Jax clustershambles rolls on into 2023?
Every household has a Darina Allen wannabe who has spent most of their
lockdowns making banana bread so now is the time to really put those skills to
proper use by banging out vaccines. All we need is someone inside one of the
big pharma companies to accidentally on purpose email us the ‘magic formula’.
Seriously, though, with Leeside literally teeming with massive pharma plants,
and some of them directly connected to companies making covid vaccines abroad, like
Pfizer, maybe the Lord Mayor should temporarily ban the making of drugs like
Viagra in Cork (by declaring Cork an independent state for at least a few
weeks) and force those factories to make covid vaccines instead – none of which
could leave the Rebel county until we’re all double vaccinated. If it worked
out we could really toot our own horn!
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