The Christmas Work Hooley

14th Dec 2009

The Christmas Work Hooley

Far away from the teeming rain, floods and television reports that try to outdo each other with their negativity about the budget and the state of Ireland's heavily wounded economy Christmas parties provide the perfect opportunity to get away from it all - even if it's only for a few hours.

Men say funny things and girls laugh

Unless your work colleagues also happen to be your best friends (which might oblige you to undertake a personality test asap) it's natural to be a bit iffy about going along to a big social evening with the people you share a stapler with.

Defy the Couldnt-Be-Bothereds
When that email arrives with details of the end of year bash a hint of the winter 'couldn't-be-bothereds' is never too far away. Images of being stuck sitting next to Dave from the Envelope Supplies Department who specialises in the history of bubble-wrap and cardboard boxes are far from enticing but its still wise to show the face.

The issue with giving the annual knees-up a skip is that the buzzword-ridden HR department might see you as "declining meta-priority opportunities to enhance advanced skill sets required to be a team player going forward".

Even if you turn up to protect your image as one-of-the-gang it can still be fun. Arrive with low expectations and chances are that by the end of the night you'll still end up doing Rock The Boat with your shirt hanging out, tie wrapped around your head and just one shoe on - which isn't yours.

Christmas Cheer
Many small firms have their work parties in big hotels, sharing large ballrooms with other anonymous companies which can be fun as long as your table isn't parked next to a troupe of boasting bankers splashing out on expensive champagne and looking as happy as the residents of Fota's Monkey Island.

Cork being the small city it is, if your workmates turn out to be only interested in trying to be the one with the most depressing recession story then there's probably someone else you'll know from another company in the room that'll be more receptive to Christmas cheer.

Hey I shhee you in the shhhtaff reschtaurant sshhh. shhh. shhometimes...

The food at big hotel bashes can occasionally be a bit suspect so there's no harm in having some tripe 'n' drisheen stored in your socks and a hip-flask of Tanora strapped to your arm in case the food tastes like a damp bottom-shelf book from the County Library. Remember to disarm all foodstuffs before you hit the dance floor though.

Lovers and Fighters
It's hard to know whether alcohol fuelled bust-ups or beer-goggled romances cause more embarrassing post-party scandal at work. Snogging Pregnant Patricia or axe-kicking Agro Andy in the car park are both potentially career ending, unless of course, you're not seen by anyone including the recipients of your love or hate. And CCTV.

If you do end up not knowing the one that's one too many and find yourself in an expletive-driven argy with your boss, your job prospects will be evaporating with your self-esteem so in the words of our fellow citizen Roy Keane, you might as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb.

Jump on stage, stop the CD, grab the DJ's microphone and start listing off personal grievances starting with your superior's intolerable body odour and finishing with his unbearable whiney Dublin accent.

Praise and Plamás
It won't come to being removed from the venue by Garda baton and handcuffs if you keep the quantities of gat in check and follow PROC's advice. Plamásing your workmates and schmoozing your managers is the safest gameplan when alcohol is involved.

That HR langer. It would be so easy to stamp on his goolies now..

If you do get stuck with an obnoxious chief exec or some other blithering drunk fat cat you've got to have plenty of nice-guy conversation ready to roll when their drooling faces turn in your direction.

As a Corkonian you need to trust your ability to lay on the gift of the gab at the right moments but be smart enough to let others talk when they want to get something off their chest.

Try to steer clear of doom and gloom - remember, if you're at a work party then you're one of the lucky people who actually have a job so cheer up.

Nobody wants to be sitting at a Christmas party hearing about your unemployed cousin who was boiling a kettle of bottled water for a lemsip to sooth his swine-flu during the floods while a shoal of mullet swam around his feet fed on his repossession order and redundancy notice.

So, to keep you in favour among your colleagues and bosses here are our top ten positive and negative conversation starters guaranteed to get you out of a fix…

Top 10 Upbeat Conversations

Lonely Planet's favourite cities, Newtown winning the Munster club hurling title, rate of unemployment slowing up, Roy Keane's truths about the FAI, the opening of new pubs in the city centre, Ireland beating South Africa, the flash mob, hero stories from the floods, Opera Lane and Half Moon Street.

Top 10 Rant Topics
Budget 2010, Thierry Henry's left hand, John Delaney and the FAI, floods, potholes, swine-flu, NAMA, the Murphy report, the weather and shops opening on Stephen's Day.