Shoppin' For De Crissmuss

5th Dec 2003

VIRTUAL LAS VEGAS
A feen cannot help but notice the new trend in Christmas decorations emerging in the last two years as Corkonians endeavour to make their gafs look like a spangly Las Vegas casino. While in the past we were happy with a few fairy lights on the Christmas tree and maybe the occasional electric candle in the window Christmas 2003 will see a very different rule of thumb for what is to be considered a fully decorated abode. As the ESB Fat-Cats drive around the city they will gleefully tap along to 'Fairytale of New York' on their car radio at the sight of hundreds of thousands of outdoor light bulbs flashing along to the beat.


SHARE COLLECTOR
Cork's favourite charity must be heavily donated this year and no doubt Corkonians will give generously. The sound of that infamous call "SUPPORT SHARE PLEASE" can play games with the nerves amid the self imposed stress of the "Christmas rush". Remain calm at all times. If you're under pressure to come up with original ideas for 13 presents at ten past four on Christmas Eve its of your own making, secure your SHARE sticker to your coat with No More Nails and don't lash out!

GATS ON CHRISTMAS EVE
This is a dangerous one! Committing to 'a few drinks' for catch-ups with old school or neighbourhood friends you haven't seen all year could sever your relationship with your family. Christmas Eve drinks with friends can often turn into something a bit more substantial. Before you know it its 8am Christmas morning and you're swishing down the slide in Fitzgerald's Park supping a bottle of whiskey before you remember the significance of the day in question and your family obligations. Legging it up to 12 O'Clock mass absolutely baloobas could get you another 20 years in purgatory if you're not careful.

UP THE LAMPS
For any able bodied male or acutely masculine female they are easy to climb especially when fuelled by a few Christmas bevies. As the Pana Christmas lights are not going to make an appearance this year its less likely to attract energy packed zombies who emerge from the clubs. Remember the law have cameras all over the city now so you don't want to end up in a monkey cage in the Bridewell on Christmas morning.

CHRISTMAS CAKE & BOWEL MOVEMENTS
If your aul lood makes Christmas cake that interferes with your normal bowel movements don't invest in gas masks and expensive breathing apparatus so you don't have to leave the couch during Police Academy 11. Please have consideration for those around you especially asthmatics, infants and elderly grandparents. Make the effort to sprint for the back garden when your insides hit the 1200 millibars pressure mark. If your farting continues please present yourself to the anti-incinerator campaigners in the lower harbour.


BOARD GAMES
Connect 4, Ludo, Go For Broke and Cluedo all make an appearance over the Christmas period and for most of us the idea of playing a game of monopoly is a great one when suggested. However five hours later when your poxy younger brother owns 12 hotels, 30 houses and 3000 quid and all you have is a house on Crumlin Road and 15 quid on your side your interest will start waning but you can't cop out'