PROCs Guide for Entrepreneurs

15th Oct 2008

Celtic Tiger 2.0: PROC's Guide for Budding Entrepeneurs
Daniel Elbow

With the government's short-back-and-sides on our finances on budget day one of few positives was the incentives for start-up businesses. We've demonstrated many times with overwhelming evidence that Corkonians are the most intelligent people in the world so the planets' eyes inevitably focus on Cork as they wait for the post-meltdown Monday business model to emerge from the Rebel County.

Here are a few suggestions from PROC's Department of Trade and Devilment to set your entrepreneurial juices flowing (and no we don't need another smoothie stall please!).

It All 'Ads' Up
Hats off to the house at the north end of the Lough with the large "advertise here" sign facing onto the famous lake. In times of financial trouble, there's nothing like a Corkonian to come up with a few clever schemes to see himself out of trouble. If your gaf backs on to a popular walk, roadway or flyover you could be sitting on an advertising goldmine.

Depending on how severe your mortgage repayments are looking you might need to cover your entire house, car or indeed clothing in various brands and slogans.

Walk along the far side of the Lough for a lamp at this business idea!

We are not aware of a specific law prohibiting you setting up a 10kW sound system in your front garden to play Harvey Norman jingles on repeat for days on end but you maybe subject to some severe reprisals from sleep deprived neighbours.

Tourist Cam
Normally in this country when we twig a unique natural phenomenon or discover a few buildings that are older than 1912 we set up an "interpretative centre" and charge Yanks a fortune to get in to see something that's older than anything they have in their own country. Unfortunately, the reliable bus loads of brightly anoraked loud-talking Irish-Americans are busy having their homes repossessed and have little finance to visit the Emerald Isle these days.

However, they're all online looking for their roots so why not bring the mountain to Muhammed by offering (and by that we mean charging them cash) to be their personal camera at historical sites around the island with your camera phone.

They save on flights and accommodation and you save on entry fees by hopping walls. While they skype your 3G handset and get live footage from your phone camera you can put them on loud speaker so they still get the thrill of being annoyingly loud in an inappropriately quiet environment.

Wish you had an umbrella?

Umbrella Vending Machines
It has been bucketing down all summer and despite a clear start to October it looks like Mother Nature is getting warmed up for the jazz festival as the skies hovering over Leeside unleash everything they've got once again. There's got to be money in rain though.

How many drowned rats have you seen haunting the streets of Cork desperately looking for a taxi after the clubs close cowering in doorways from the rain? How many times have you been caught in a shower or stuck in a car wishing you had thought to bring your umbrella?

If clubbers are willing to pay €7 for a disgustingly bright coloured drink to inebriate themselves surely they'd pay the same for an umbrella if they could find a late-night seller? Instead of volunteering yourself to stand in the meteorological misery how about adapting a cigarette machine to vend umbrellas and wet gear instead?

Place your magic machines around the city, in pubs, clubs and on street corners where Corkonians could grab a brolly in a hurry day or night!

Singing in the Rain
It has been bucketing down all summer and despite a bright start to October it looks like Mother Nature is getting warmed

Bring the heritage mountain to Mohammed

up for the jazz festival as the clouds hovering over Leeside unleash everything they've got once again. There's got to be money in rain though and here's out best idea.

'Naturally Neutral Showers' will use filtered rain water captured mainly in Limerick (don't worry it won't have actually touched the filthy county) and energy from the rising temperature of Celtic Tiger 2.0 to provide 'an authentic environmentally-friendly carbon neutral cleasing experience' for the gullible and well off in hotels and gyms.

Kerb Crawling
No, we're not that desperate but we can all be desperate to find somewhere to leave our wheels in town. Even at night it can add twenty minutes to your commute so it would be handy if you could park up on all those silly places that are officially out of bounds despite having no affect on traffic especially motorbike zones.

Subscribers to your business will let you know where they are parked and if the clampers or towaway brigade are spotted in the area you'll give them a call or put your body in the way of the authorities until the driver returns. Note that this business venture may involve a prison sentence.

Pedal Decie! Pedal Decie!

Pedal Taxis
We don't have these in Cork for some reason but other cities seem to be crawling with the short-journey pedal cars. Maybe it's because we're too lazy or because there are so many hills on Leeside but neither of these are excuses for the void now that we're in the midst of an economic meltdown. Sitting around waiting for employment? On yer bike fella.

As well as raking it in on "sympathy tips" for horsing passengers around under your own steam there are other financial advantages too. Unlike conventional diesel taxis that line the streets and breathe fumes into our lungs the pedal taxis run purely on their drivers' leg power so the only overheads you're going to run up are the enormous amounts of pasta you'll have to eat on your breaks to keep those energy-driving calories up.

At the moment anything with the word 'organic' or 'green' on it instantly gains moral authority over those without it so environmentally conscious Corkonians will flock to your pedalo instead of taking a polluting taxi.

If you're approached by pair of overweight slobs who've emerged from a fast food outlet with a bucket of fried chicken and six double cheese burgers you can always pretend you're on a break or simply mock them to their faces until they go away.