Make Cork The Breast County in Ireland

5th Oct 2021

Something caught the eye of the PROC recently, whilst casually flicking through a webpage about breasts. It’s National Breastfeeding Week, a countrywide celebration of the power of boobs and the endless images of women’s mammaries triggered the natural reaction you’d expect of any red blooded Corkonian: how can breasts make Cork even greater than it already is?

We’ll save you the nerdy stuff, but it turns out, there is a lash of evidence from the World Health Organisation that says people who are breastfed end up with higher IQs than those who aren’t. We immediately hit the big red alarm button on the PROC dashboard: here’s a way to stay ahead of  everyone in Not Cork. Let’s get on it!    

Breastfeeding rates in Ireland are pathetically low (thanks, Leo) so it’s a no brainer that Rebel mams should think about reversing the trend to ensure Cork’s youth remain the sharpest in the country.  

Along with sky-high leaving cert points, the cleverest university and industry brains and being home to the inventors of Tanora, young Corkonians record in science is off the scale too.

Just two weeks ago, Ballincollig duo Cormac Harris and Alan O'Sullivan, students at Coláiste Choilm won the European Young Scientist Award. As if that wasn’t enough, Gregory Tarr from Bandon bagged third prize at the competition too.

The role of honour for the BT Young Scientist competition is already stuffed with Cork geniuses so imagine the stuff students would come up if every young Corkonian was breastfed from now on.

The collective IQ boost would be sure to solve the immeasurably complex problems of our time like time travel, affordable nuclear fission, climate change and how to detach Cork from the rest of Ireland and paddle ourselves down to The Med without the rest of them noticing until they see our TikTok of the Old Head of Kinsale passing the Rock of Gibraltar.

Raising our collective IQ levels even higher is enough of a reason on its own to promote breastfeeding. But along with less colds, better immune systems, less ear infections and less obesity there are also a rake of other bonuses for new parents.

Natural Batteries
We might be smiling smugly at the Brits and their empty filling stations or even posting orange juice cartons full of petrol to friends in London, but the smirks will be on the other side of our faces if Varadkar and Co. hit the trip switch later this winter.

The government might be unable to guarantee the lights will stay on or that you won’t have to boil your tap water, but if your little Rebel is on the boob then you won’t have to worry about warming up the formula bottle, getting the powder-to-water ratio just right or whether your tap is spewing out brown filth because a hungover JCB driver fixing a sewer leant on the wrong lever and hit the watermain.

Tens of thousands of years of evolution means breasts are like having a personal, expert barista that ensures your baby’s milk is delicious and at the perfect temperature regardless of whether Leo turns your lights out to keep the data centres running. 

Be A Rebel
The art of breastfeeding was passed on from generations of Cork mams to new mams until the 1950s when giant corporations realised they could lever billions of dollars by convincing mothers, through cynical marketing, that breastfeeding was something that was practiced by uneducated daws.

Basically, their Trumpian bluff made breast milk look more Montegrotty than Montenotte and finding a breastfeeding mum became today’s version of trying to locate an out-of-work HGV driver in Dover.

As rebels, it should be in our nature to push back against those greedy global corporations making mountains of coin from preventing Cork kids from getting the best advantages they can get. There’s no time to lose, we have All-Ireland finals to be winning!

The Bottom Line
Formula milk is “ultra-processed” cow’s milk so there’s all sorts of extra gang-dank in the milk that your precious young Corkonian’s little bowel will have to ‘deal with’ if they’re not on the boob.

The nappy ‘poonamis’ are bad enough when a child is breastfed - add in all the extra ingredients tossed into the mix at the formula factories and you’ll get poo-splosions so toxic they could be considered a biological weapon so deadly that it could see you and your family’s bank accounts being frozen after a vote by the UN Assembly.

Try giving them that explanation at a busy supermarket checkout the next time your ATM card won’t tap for the stack of emergency nappies late on a Sunday night!  

C’mon, let’s make Cork the breast county in Ireland!