Corkman's Guide To Abroad

19th Feb 2004

Corkonian's Guide to Abroad
Peoples Republic Of Cork Re-Education Committee

Occasionally, it may be necessary, whether for reasons financial, educational, or (more often than not) legal, for a Corkonian to venture beyond the borders of the beloved Peoples Republic and go abroad. Obviously, the re-education committee advises against this drastic course of action, but we are duty-bound as guardians of al things Cork (not least our beloved citizens) to offer a guide to survival out among the barbarian hordes. Having identified the most visited destinations from the PRC's major transport terminals, we can now bring you a conclusive guide to abroad:


1. Ireland
Most Corkonians will have heard of this place, and it's really not that surprising; after all, we are practically surrounded by it!
The Irish are an odd bunch, to say the least; in some ways, they seem quite like us. But do not be fooled, dear Corkonian, into taking the Irish to your hearts. Subcommondante Keane very nearly made that mistake, and you can bet that the morning he woke up in an un-airconditioned japanese hotel room and realised he was surrounded by Irishmen such as Steve Staunton and Niall Quinn will haunt him for the rest of his days. Thankfully, quick thinking got him the hell out of there with minimal fuss or embarrassment for all concerned.

Ireland, is essentially, like Cork if everything was a bit, well, wrong. The natives tend to organise themselves in small towns by the side of the road; these will always feature practically identical components:

1.A bus stop; around which white-bread complexion children will gather at any time, day or night;

2. a convenience store (generally either Spar or Centra) called 'Pat Mulcahy's'; which will contain an incredibly small magazine rack (usually four or five titles; Ireland's Own, Highball, VIP, Max Power and Playboy Girls of Summer Special Edition) and a 'deli counter' displaying suspicious looking ham.

3. A fast food outlet, often also confusingly called 'Pat Mulcahy's' which will be frequented by any children who are not at the bus stop, and a very old man and a very young man sitting together silently drinking tea.

4. A lounge bar; this is where the more upwardly mobile of the townsfolk will gather to eat toasted sandwiches and drink draught lager, while watching Sky News and making incisive comments on world events such as 'Jays, that Blair fella, ha?'

5. A very dark pub, where old men will gather to drink Guinness (see Traveller's Tip) or Bass, smoke Senior Service or Sweet Afton, and talk about the events of the day. The day being 6th November, 1921.

6. A hardware shop which may or may not have closed down fifteen years ago.

7. An extremely well-kept Church of Ireland church, which is never in use.

8. The capital of Ireland is Dublin. Nothing of note has ever happened there and its full of langers.

Travellers tip; Some establishments in 'Ireland' bizarrely do not sell Murphys, but a similar concoction brewed in the capital, Dublin, called Guinness. It's probably best to bring your own liquid rations, as the Cork pallette may have a violent reaction to this brew.

Check out:


2. London
London is the only known settlement on a large island to the east of Roches Point known as Britain, which dates back to about 1968. The fascinating thing about it is that nobody is actually from there, apart from a tiny, fast dying out ethnic minority known as 'cockneys' , who eke out a meager existence selling fruit to passers-by.

Visitors to London are often moved to remark upon its size, its congestion and the look of quiet desperation on the face of each and every one of its inhabitants (a large amount of whom hail from the aforementioned 'Ireland'). The reason for this desperate look is that most of them are completely lost and can't figure out how to get back to their tiny 24th floor flat, which will have been burgled by the time they eventually do successfully navigate the city's labyrinthine transport system (that is if the train doesn't derail and kill them). Londoners console themselves by trying to convince each other that they live in the most happening, interesting place on Earth.

Travellers Tip: Capital punishment still exists in London, for one crime: standing on the left hand side of an escalator. Londoners are a deeply superstitous people, and believe that standing on the left side displeases the great transport god, who then takes out his vengance by derailing trains, potentially killing hundreds of commuters, most of whom will have already lost the will to live anyway.

3.Spain
Spain lies off the coast of Santa Ponza, the Republic's most easterly outpost. Corkonians will be familiar with Spain as the home of the babbling, backpack wearing hordes who crowd the buses all summer, and send our teenage boys into an undignified hormonal frenzy with their raven hair and bizarrely tight jeans.

The Spanish themselves are generally a likeable bunch, who's main interests seem to be staying up very late, drinking red wine and cola mixtures and finding new and entertaining ways to kill animals. Probably the closest to Cork people you will find in the whole of 'abroad', they have similar lilting accents and a pedigree in piss-taking that would make them welcome in any Cork pub.

Traveller's Tip: The Spanish eat vast quantities of red meat, sleep about 10 minutes a week, smoke on average 60 cigarettes an hour, and otherwise only consume raw caffeine and alcohol. Yet they remain remarkably svelte and attractive. While in Spain, see if you can figure out how, and immediately report your findings to the PRC Re-education committee.


4.Holland
Holland (or the 'Netherlands' as it is also confusingly known) was set up in 1981 as a holiday camp for the rest of Europe. It's capital city, Amsterdam, is laid out exactly like the 'It's a Small World' ride in Disneyland. Except with hookers and hash instead of irritating robotic children in national costume. Visitors can float around in little boats, hopping off when they feel like a toke.

When not in boats, the staff of 'Netherland' (known as again confusingly, 'Dutch' as in 'pass the dutchie pon the left hand side') go round on bicycles. The staff lingo may sound complicated at first hearing, but on closer listen, the visitor will be relieved to find it is actually English spoken in a comedy German accent. The 'Dutch' like nothing better than visitors immitating their hilarious accents, and on hearing this will probably invite you back to their windmill for some Heineken, bacon, waxy cheese and liberated guilt-free sex.

Traveller's Tip: You may return from your holiday in Holland, blissed out on Class B drugs and liberal attitudes, and hatch a plan to live there. This unfortunately is impossible: it is a holiday camp and theme park, not a country; nobody actually lives there: Even the staff are bussed in from Denmark every morning. You may as well dream about living at Perks.


5. America
America lies somewhere off Clear Island. The locals are an intriguing, but essentially harmless, primitive tribe, who display a great keeness, if not ability, to learn about the world outside their tiny community. When you first meet one of these charming folk, they will immediately ask where you are from. Be warned that, being a remote tribe cut off from the world for many years, they may not know specific street names in Cork. Usually they'll be alright if you tell them where your gaf is in relation to the North Chapel.

Having gleaned this information, they will then attempt to bond with you, often by mentioning that an ancestor was from somewhere in 'Ireland' (see 1). While you may be tempted to point out that this means nothing to you and you have no idea where this place could be (after all, how could you?

Less than 10 per cent of Ireland has been charted by the PRC Expidionary Cartography Team), it is far better to just smile and say 'really?' as the look of confusion on the American's round little face as you try to explain the outside world to them can be heartbreaking.

Traveller's Tip: The America tribe is genetically intolerant to fresh food, and it is potentially fatal to them; under no circumstances should you offer one of them fruit, fresh bread, or anything with a high vitamin content. The same goes for decent beer.

We hope this guide may be useful, but must stress again the PRC REC warning against foreign travel, anytime ever. Remember, if it's not in Cork, it's not worth knowing about.