Inside the Mind of a Cork Woman

19th Feb 2004

Inside the Mind of a Cork WomanJohn Paul Valentino So you laid on the big romantic spoof for the old doll last Saturday - breakfast in bed, a dozen red and yellow roses that cost 120 quid and performed a dangerous stunt re-enacting the milk tray ad where you nearly mangled your hands sliding along the clothes line you attached to the facia sofit so you could slide in the window and deliver a box of chocolates to your lover. After that you took her out for a meal (80 bobs a head), brought her to the cinema (paid for the ticket and six boxes of popcorn). Then after shelling out more or less your entire wages for the week when you get home she complains that you left the toilet seat up, the chocolates were from a chain store and as a result you've wrecked what was supposed to be a "perfect" Valentines Day. Then despite your efforts to revive the relationship and confess your "wrong doings" last night you got dumped and can't work out why! For all the shams who are out there wondering why old dolls give them the boot after doing what you thought was right here's a little education that is second only in quality to that which you will receive from an ageing Cork cab driver when it comes to love:

You can spot a feminist by her appearance

A feen may often be confused by the tough demands from his old doll. Feminism was born out of the noble idea of social equality, part of which took a diversion and mutated itself into a scary subject called "womens rights". While any right thinking young Corkonian should naturally support sexual equality more often than not women want far more than just equality. "Womens demands" might be a bit more accurate. One minute your old doll is banging on about how everyone should be treated equally regardless of gender and the next minute she's complaining that the stuff you did this year for Valentine's Day wasn't enough and that the aeroplane you hired with the "Wanda I love you" sign out the back should have read"Wanda - I love you always, forever and more than Cork City FC". Did she hire an aeroplane for you? Did she get you flowers? Did she pay for even one round of gats or your ticket into the cinema? Equality my Shandon Steeple! Managing a relationship with an old doll is like running a business, its all about supply and demand. She demands and you must supply or you get made redundant. And don't forget that the customer is always right. Today's feen is being told that an old doll can do anything that he can. Unlike equality for different races or for those practising different religions, the idea of equality for women is not so straight forward and frightens many Cork feens and besides'