Reviving the Economy: Plan G

19th Feb 2009

PLAN 'G'
Danny Elbow

Whheyyy! Ballincollig celebrates the end of the recession

As everything else seems to be failing The Peoples Republic of Cork Economic Crisis Committee have come up with some alternative plans for the nation's recovery…

As the oppressive Dublin government to the north lead by chief head-scratcher Brian Cowen desperately search for some way to stop the country reversing at high speed into financial meltdown it seems they are a little short of ideas.

Now reduced to what must surely be Plan E or F as we lose 1,000 jobs a day ordinary citizens may have to start suggesting some extreme measures as those in power shrug their shoulders in helplessness.

On the surface, unlike many countries, Ireland doesn't appear to have any particularly strong economic forte that can be called upon in dark times. Germany has a reputation for solid engineering, Switzerland's got shamelessly boisterous banks, China make all that euro shop junk, Spain attracts millions of tourists with its sunny climate and the French have got baguettes and sexy women.

Ireland's knowledge economy, Fianna Fáil's withering trump card, doesn't seem to be going too well - mobile phone giant Ericsson just moved their Dublin R&D department to Sweden - so what have we got left to offer Planet Earth?

The market reaches rock bottom

'G' IS FOR GAT
The government must have asked themselves the same question over the last few months as the public finances shrank from a cosy €45 billion into something approaching a young child's first holy communion take.

After a few more failed attempts at giving Ireland's finances the kiss-of-life, don't rule out a beleaguered Cowen, rising to his feet in Dáil Éireann with his latest suggestion: the twenty year plan for Ireland's economic recovery is to be based on everyone simply having the craic.

What better way to insulate ourselves from the woes of the economy than inebriating our minds into thinking everything is not just grand, but absolutely fantastic altogether. It may be far fetched but as nothing else seems to be working let's explore how this outrageously controversial suggestion would work.

RAISING CONSUMER CONFIDENCE….WITH WHISKY
One of the biggest problems we face as an economy is the lack of consumer confidence. But if the government could get us all drunk then the chances of us spending more cash is far greater - it's a proven undeniable fact that we are happier to dish out the dosh when the beer monster is at the controls upstairs.

Now old dolls can fart publicly as gases are recycled and turned into electricty

It follows that the longer we are on the lash the more cash we'll spend so at the rate the banks are imploding Fianna Fáil may soon declare that it is every citizen's duty to tank up as often as possible.

BACK TO BLACK
For years the government have been working to limit the populations intake: responsible drinking logos on all advertisements, closing off licenses earlier, banning drinking on the streets, increasing the fee for a late license (currently €400 in Cork city) and a plethora of other regulations to keep us off the gat and on the job.

If these were reversed, the government could argue that the resulting demand for gargle would generate thousands of jobs as new breweries are built. Pubs will employ hundreds of bar staff around the clock. Normally idle taxi drivers will have to ferry pub crawlers from pub to pub. Busy paramedics will line the streets of the city centre and cleaners will be on call 24 hours a day as society descends into an uncomfortable messy mix of social chaos and economic bliss.

GREEN DRINKING
Even the Green Party will be anxious to get in on the act. Environmentally conscious 'Green Gatting' will see colostomy bags issued to each home drinker and special tanks will be placed in pubs to house the valuable waste emitted from heavy drinkers and turned into food for Kerrymen and weed killer.

Stout drinkers sitting at the nation's bar counters will have devices fitted to their posteriors to collect flammable methane which can be used to heat pubs once combusted under flame in a safe secure environment like the pub's snug.

Just like garden compost heaps, special fermenting vomit pits will produce enough fertiliser to cover one entire field of barley - allowing our local brews to be made cheaper without doing additional damage to the environment.

Tourists can help drink Ireland's economy back into the black.

HERE COME THE CRAIC HUNTERS
Ireland's reputation as the world's pub hub could be ceased upon like a giant
cow's udder and vigorously pumped until it's dry.

In addition to airport charges and any future Ryanair money making schemes like an 'air-breathing levy', tourists at Cork Airport could be forced to pay for compulsory fancy dress costumes to encourage them to get into the spirit of Ireland's patented 'craic' economy.

Feeling a tad silly in leprechaun and Father Jack costumes tourists would be far more likely to consume much more alcohol to numb the short-lived embarrassment. Once they're over the threshold of cringe they will pump the taps faster than us locals and the exchequer will thrive on the incoming foreign currency.

AIR-DROPS
Isolated areas that may run out of drink may be able to avail of a late-night air drop facility.

A keg of Beamish is parachuted into one of Mallow's no-go areas

Should you find yourself on Bear Island, for example, just after official island closing time circa 4am (wink) and desperately in need of a case of Murphys or Beamish then a mobile phone and a credit card will be all you need. In a matter of minutes a 'craic' team will be scrambled from Cork airport to parachute in your order.

With such frightening enthusiasm for drink mixed with passionate patriotism not seen since Italia 90 and the famous Double, the skies of Cork will be buzzing with air traffic as thirsty tourists, langerated locals and their bags of booze are transported around the country creating a jobs bonanza.

As far fetched as all this might seem, it worryingly may be the only the plan Cowen and Fianna Fáil have left to prevent the country sliding into the Atlantic. And besides, if an election is called maybe we'll be too hungover to vote or we'll get distracted by the pubs on the way and the FF'ers might manage to hold on to power.

Let's hope the government have a few other ideas before Plan Gat needs to be rolled out.