PROC Manifesto Part 2
Our vision for a brand new country...
All museums and cultural buildings will be forced to open on Saturdays and Sundays - the days when we are actually around to visit them. A new museum dedicated to the career of Roy Keane entitled "The Museum of Historical Truth" will also be constructed alongside a grassy car park with goalposts in case he ever wants to train there.
At night a 60ft high visual of the Genesis Report that vindicated Keane's stance during Saipan-gate will be projected on to the building. And of course all visitors will have to make sure their mobiles are on silent at all times.
Sunshine will be the 'official weather' of our new country. Rain will be banned from the first home game of the football league until the Monday night of the jazz festival. Snow will be allowed once a year to offset the burden of man-flu with a free day in bed.
Barley Lake with proper Cork sunshine and none of this rain business that Kerry keeps sending us.
Tax on all non-C registrations
Corkonians who buy cars that do not have Cork registrations will be hit with an additional foreign vehicle tax. Similarly any car found parked in the city centre with Kerry, Kilkenny or Dublin registrations will be towed away and crushed unless an exorbitant fee is paid to the PROC government. This will greatly increase the value of cars with Cork number plates.
The East Cork border town is viewed by some as Munster's answer to 'Kashmir' however the PROC government will take steps to make Youghal the most Cork town in the county to reinforce its authority west of the Blackwater. The old cinema will show repeats of victorious All-Ireland and Munster hurling and football finals every evening and citizens will be obliged to attend at least two shows a week. Blahs will be banned along with manky looking teeth which are always en vogue over the border.
Finbarr and Noreen make sure that this used car is a Cork reg and not an imported fake from Cavan or Carlow.
Citizenship Tests for Immigrants
There has been a lot of talk about foreigners not integrating properly with Corkonians. For example, lads in Kerry jerseys are often seen washing in the fountain on Grand Parade late at night. This unacceptable uncivilised behaviour will be remedied with a compulsory crash course in Cork etiquette for those from other counties wishing to live here. Other counties will be taught about Cork's infallible greatness and encouraged not to eat soil or grass.
The Cork National Anthem
The official song of the People's Republic will be the Banks of My Own Lovely Lee. When Cork enters and wins the Eurovision song contest alone for the first time it will be the only allowable song and a competition can be run for its singer. Spillane can do it every year after that.
Citizenship test: Young Nicky from Wexford tries to remember the score from the 2001 county final when Blackrock beat Imokilly.
Currently the Dublin government does not permit local bars to serve later than 1.30am even though in The Pale it is an hour later. Bars in our new state will be able to serve until 3.30am, just to get one back on the Dubs. Water cannons will be mounted on city centre street corners to dampen any additional disorder.
Cork city centre is surrounded by water on all sides. No other city in Ireland or the UK can boast such geographical uniqueness yet under Dublin rule, Cork was given no incentives to push the potential of the River Lee and all within its clutches. This is to make sure that numbers visiting to Dublin's (boring) Guinness Store House remain high.
Not only that but we have a beautiful and monstrous natural harbour that makes Dublin's quaysides look like a pig's trough in comparison. From sooped-up gondolas teeming with tourists to banana-boat tours Cork will thrive by embracing this amazing resource. It'll be plain sailing once we've got our independence.
Soaring above beautiful Inchadoney with the tide out will be the highlight of many a tourist's holiday
With such a massive uptake in tourist traffic Cork airport will need several additional runways, a couple of heliports and a launching station for space craft (who wouldn't want to see the beauty of Cork from space) to cope with the influx of interest in the world's 193rd country. And it'll be so much easier without the Dublin Airport Authority playing Simon-says and shovelling debt on to our shoulders.
A referendum will be held to decide the name of Cork's new currency. The much loved Cork-phrase "spondoolie" is likely to be the strongest naming contender with "the bob" and "yo-yo" close behind.
For simplicity the new monetary unit can remain one-for-one with the euro but we will insist on printing our own versions to be distributed all over Europe. Who wouldn't love to go to an ATM in town and be issued with Derval's head on a tenner, Sonia's on a twenty, Roy's on a fifty and Ringy's on a one-hundred spondoolie note? Oh, if only money could talk!
Every political party seems to engage in some disingenuous auction politics around election time so it's only right that we say something completely dishonest to get you all excited. Here goes….free Beamish and Barry's Tea for everyone!
Cork's official sport will be road bowling.
Cork's Official Sport
Cork's record as the county with the most All-Ireland senior titles must be carefully guarded but that doesn't mean hurling and football have to be our official national sports. Exporting road-bowling will keep the Rebel County on the international map as bowling experts from the county are sent abroad to promote the simple almost-cost-free sport. From Tibet to Thailand, from Alaska to Afghanistan the famous iron bowl will be turfed up and down roads all around the globe.
The icing on the cake will be that the World Championships will always be held in the home of road bowling itself leading to a regular tourist bonanza for Leeisde. Try getting a B&B within twenty miles of Whitechurch that weekend!
Stick in your headphones, turn off your bike lights and throw away your helmet - everyone knows you can't die if you're under 25...
Just what you needed to make you feel worse about your dizzying hangover and your half-baked new year's resolutions to get fit....