How to Know You're in West Cork

6th May 2011

You’ve been driving for two hours but you’re still in Cork
Cork is so vast that before motorised transport Corkonians were so fond of their birthplace that they would only emigrate to other parts of the county. Like those leaving for the USA and England at the time though the enormous distance meant that they might never return to their native parish. They were all happy that they were in Cork though.

Allihies: one of Cork's most isolated but exceptionally beautiful outposts.

Your mobile network occasionally switches to ‘Verizon’
That’ll be your proximity to the USA - New York is only just beyond Dursey Island. On a calm day if it’s really quiet you can actually hear New Yorkers shouting at each other.

Shhhpeaking
Schtop. Schtart Schtall on. They’ve no time for serpents or snakes in West Cork and that’s why you won’t hear locals pronounce a clear ‘s’ sound on words whose second letters aren’t vowels.

It’s mainly Murphy’s
Beamish tends to be the tipple of choice among Cork stout drinkers closer to the city but hit Glengarrif or Schull on a sunny bank holiday evening and the pints of Murphy’s are lined up along pub benches and window sills as locals and visitors alike water themselves down and keep it Cork.

The Blue Loo and Harringtons in Glengarrif are mighty spots to sink a few Murphys on a sunny day as you watch the boy racers go by. If you taunt them as they pass they don't even stab you which is typically sound of West Corkonians.

You are looking at the real Tupac Shakur
Many were surprised when Osama Bin Laden was found a stone’s throw from a Pakistani military compound – the very people who were supposed to be looking for him – but many high profile people can remain undetected if they gain the complicity of locals so don’t be surprised if you walk into McCarthy’s in Castletownbere on a Thursday evening to see a music superstar at the bar leafing through the Echo.

Tupac gets barred for 30 minutes from McCarthy's in Castletownbere anytime he mentions the word 'hoe' or 'Adrigole'. Adrienne takes no shit.

Everyone is smoking rollies
It’s so West Cork to roll your own tobacco.

Boy racers’ cars haven’t been “lowered”
West Corkboy racers pimp their cars but unlike their city brethren they tend to shy away from lowering their cars’ suspension. Shattered bumpy roads with random ramps caused by buckling tarmac take their toll on the underside of wacker wagons.

The beer monsters have English accents
Usually loudly propping up the bar while you order they unravel their plan for world peace which is based on vegetarianism, collective meditation and Fleetwood Mac’s back catalogue. Just make sure you don’t provoke their ire by innocently asking them what part of the UK they’re from. O’ve been livin’ ‘ere awl me loife mate!

You’re on a beautiful island
From camping gems like Sherkin and Cape Clear to the beautiful Bear, Horse and Dursey islands – a sunny weekend surrounded by Cork’s low-key getaways beats any overpriced Caribbean commune hands down. Just don’t miss the last ferry home!

If you're quiet enough on Dursey you can hear New York taxi drivers shouting

The person you’re talking to is a Harrington or O’Sullivan
The region west of Ballylickey contains about two-hundred Harringtons or O’Sullivan’s per square mile. Some locals with both surnames such as Tupac Harrington-O’Sullivan from Allihies are said to have mysterious mind powers which allow them to plough fields whilst still in bed and milk cows from the comfort of their couch.