Game Plans To Go: Beating the Argies

24th Sep 2007

Game Plans To Go: Beating the Argies
Alan Ger


PLAN A - Fifteen man rolling mauls
They did it with the lineouts under yer man Warren Gatland. It only half worked but O'Gara and the boys need the element of surprise, the Argies wont be expecting it and Ireland need more feens to counteract their aggressive and powerful pack. Get the entire team into a giant ruck to batter their way up the field nice and agriculturally.

PLAN B - Circus tricks
You cannot tackle a man who's feet are off the ground (seems to apply when jumping to catch a Garryowen) therefore bring light weight Peter Stringer back into the squad and when he gets the ball he can mount Paul O'Connell's shoulders and be carried to the line. If the referee gets stroppy maybe O'Callaghan can repeatedly nod Stringer into the air in a keepy-uppy fashion until the Argentina line is breached and Stringer can be lowered to place the ball on the ground. Repeat this at least three times for bonus point.

Two weeks into the tournament and Eddie still hasnt lost the morning head.

PLAN C - Buy off the Argies
They'll get through anyway if we win so a few carefully placed brown envelopes in the right places in Buenos Ares and we'll make the politics at the Cricket World Cup and Tour de France look like a minor Kindergarten squabble. Eddie O'Sullivan's approach has been criticised as being too conservative so it's time we tried something a bit more creative.

PLAN D - Old Heads
Those old rugby feens on the o2 adverts with Brian O'Driscoll look pretty fierce. They might be aging but they'll have the necessary brawn to take on the might of the southern hemisphere.

While we're at it, bring back Mick Galwey and Clohesy for a bit of passion, hunger and good old fashion arm-swingin' pride of the parish. Let the Argies bounce off them and see how their infamously robust scrum stands up to the roar, and bad breath, of some of Irish rugby's veterans.

Standing for the "anthems". Ireland's revamped team for the Argentina game next Sunday

PLAN E - WWF wrestling moves
We've been looking at the size and supposed ferocity of Donnacha O'Callaghan and Paul O'Connell for years but we've only ever seen them operate within the limits of what's allowed on the pitch.

For the sake of a few yellow cards, and our own dwindling attention spans, how about the two boys try out a WWF style clothes-line move on a few of the Argies more influential players while they've got their eyes closed singing their national anthem. Failing that the infamous Boston Crab move after every tackle should be enough to cripple the Argies' efforts.

Clearing out the rucks could be a lot more fun

PLAN F - Wake Up Willye!!!
One of the GAA's greatest sources of entertainment are passionate bainsteoirs patrolling the sidelines roaring 'WOULD YE EVER WAKKKKEEE UP!!!!' at their players. When coaches like Eddie O'Sullivan, perched high up in the stands, appear more interested in checking their Bebo on the screens in front of them than getting passionate about events on the field, the writing must surely be on the wall.

The Irish rugby team clearly needs somebody screaming blue-murder at them when they make, what are now all too common school boy errors. Instead of blasting a pub TV screen with spittle and profanity, this could provide the ultimate stress outlet. The public back home could text a special number and our new sideline man could bark the best comments to the team all through the game.

FUCKIN WAKE UP WILLYE!!!!

PLAN G - Highfield Under 10s
Another high impact surprise tactic. Fly in the cream of Cork's under age teams and put them in pivotal positions. Most of them will have been practicing drills all year - tasks such as 'holding the ball' and 'not dropping the ball' featuring prominently.

One of the more advanced techniques they've been working over the summer is 'running with the ball' - an injection of such raw never-seen-before talent could prove fatal for the Argies.