Exam Guide 5: Toilet Paper Study Method

9th Jun 2003

THE TOILET PAPER STUDY METHOD
Danny Elbow

Last week we brought you the sensational report on the walkman study method being used by a small group of students on Cork's northside. This week we reveal yet another successful study method that comes with a 127% guarantee of success. With all the distractions in your bedroom why bother writing notes that you're not going to look at anyway. Where's the most boring room in your gaf? The jax of course. No food, no TV, no music and no magazines with pictures of flahs in bikinis….

THE JAX
The jax is definitely the best place to study - nice relaxing (post performance of course) position, no noise and nothing to draw your attention away from the task at hand. Every time you pay Uncle Armitage a visit you can increase your brain size by up to 1% by studying as you unload. Most medicine students at UCC use this technique to absorb the vast lists of diseases and sores they come across in their books.

Think about all the paper you use through out the year when you're studying. Now think about all the jax roll you use in an entire school or college term. Whether its for preventing your snoz from leaking snot or for mopping up the pee you spray on the floor you can grab a couple of sheets and squeeze in a bit of extra study before you put it to use.

SKIDMARKS
Don't you just hate skidmarks on the inside of a toilet bowl? Its even worse when flushing doesn't get rid of it. A valid argument in favour of human NCT tests: there are always one or two of your housemates or members of your family who need to have their excretion plumbing tracked and balanced. While some enjoy hosing it off with a golden shower of their own most are forced to get a clump of bog roll and wipe it off manually.

Imagine if this kind of work could be a thorough and fulfilling educational experience simulataneously. While you scrub yourself clean you can browse examples De Moivre's Theorem or lines from the poems of Keats, Kavanagh and John Paul Valentino. You'll be posh and educated from sitting on the throne in no time.

While you perform one of the human body's most natural functions you can learn all about your excretory system - how food is turned into energy, how drink gets into your brain and how the cakes that stream from you are actually made.

CONSTIPATION RELIEF
Sufferers of constipation can find relief from their condition by considering two options. 1. Studying maths: all the mentions of "logs" will have them rolling out of you as you study. 2. Studying the leaving cert. English course can also provide the same reaction. Answering questions on Shakespeare will require a steady flow of shite so your body will be only too happy to provide it on a number of levels.

SIDE EFFECTS
Finally the Toilet Roll Study Method will also provide that extra incentive to keep your bog clean and hygenic. Even if you're not feeling a little rumble in the bowels after a hot curry you'll only be too happy to pop into the bog for half an hour to read up on one of your favourite chosen subjects. Balling up sheets as you go and wiping the whole gaf clean making it mushroom, daddy longlegs and gank free will lead to a healthier lifestyle as well as putting an education into your brain.