Cork V Kerry Guide to Croke Park

14th Sep 2009

Cork V Kerry Croke Park Statement
Frilly Keane

Cork and Kerry colours on Moore Street stall in Dublin. The closest the Dubs will ever get to celebrating an All Ireland.

We must insist on opening this statement with a health warning to Dublin Retailers. Please do not read anything into your September trading results. While the best performing period in your year-to-date records is worth commenting on and should be a sign of an optimistic upturn, not only is it a fake indicator it is unlikely to be repeated in the matching periods in the years ahead.

The surge is fickle and is driven by Kerry based consumers doing their Christmas shopping. Records will note that the sales figures feature large transactions before 3pm on Sunday the 20th, followed by some more activity after 4pm. This is when the match will be over for Kerry and they head back into town before departing on the 6pm non-stop to Mallow.

The Animal Kingdom noted in the Match Programme refers to Kerry. CLG Naomh Axis of Evil refers to all players in the colours of Kerry with the surname O'Sé.

Paul Galvin will feature as Pug Galvin.

The pre-match parade will be conducted in two parts; Cork will parade behind the Artane Senior Band, who on this historic occasion will be on a bandstand mounted onto a hovercraft, this will protect the pitch and any suggestions that its 4 metre height advantage will make the Cork players look smaller will be rigorously disputed. Kerry will walk alongside the members of the St Patricks Junior and Senior Infants Triangle and Tambourine Band. To assist the change to match day procedures, Croke Park have agreed with the Kerry backroom team that none of the band will be taller than a greyhound.

At the behest of New York City Hall, and following the personal appeal of Mayor Michael Bloomberg, patrons are asked to remember the collapse of the Twin Towers with reverence and respect. Cumann Lúthcleas Gael will proceed to prosecute any patron, or member of the association who associate or compare the tragic collapse of the World Trade Centre's Twin Towers with any Kerry duets. To facilitate the patrons who wish to pay their respects to a more local catastrophe, the Stadium will endeavour to hold a minute's silence before the presentation speeches (Plan K).

Galvin: squeezed like a black head by Cork's midfield duo Murphy & O'Connor. Oh the satisfacton!

Since demands for Kerry to be known as the Team of the Decade, Croke Park are now obliged to remind patrons that Cork are in their sixth All Ireland Final in seven years and as such, to celebrate, commemorate and thank their best customers, Cork Dry Gin, Carling lager, Beamish and Murphy's stout will available in all bar concessions. Barrys Tea, Chester slices, and Thoma bread sandwiches will be offered in the food concessions, and complimentary Tanora and Jennings Rasa will be available to all Juveniles.

There will be no Man of the Match award for this contest. However the "Johnsons No More Tears Dive of the Day" will be launched in its place. In this, the inaugural contest for this award, points may be collated from the qualifying rounds.

To assist the Association's broadcast partners in their Digital and HD developments, and to expand the revenue streams of Cumann Lúthcleas Gael it has been decided to agree Referee Cards with team jerseys. Red cards will only be issued to those in Red and White, and Amex Gold Cards (formally Yellow Cards) to those wearing Green and Gold. The issuing of Ticks and the Taking of Names will not be in place. Therefore the Referee will not be required to carry a notebook. This will also eliminate any additional dialogue or interaction with the match Referee.

The Referee will be right on every decision. Penalties will now only be awarded in the final five minutes and only to the team that is behind.

Cumann Lúthcleas Gael will also request that patrons stay in their seats should any pitch side disagreements ensue. All confrontations, physical or otherwise should be ignored. Vocal criticism of the match officials, players and/ or their management will not be permitted inside the Stadium. Stewards will remove patrons if required. To assist in diverting unnecessary attention, Croke Park stewards will be distributing GAA Museum literature.

The Free Travel pass will not qualify for wheelchair access.

Colm Cooper is not a cast member, past or present, of the Muppet Show. His theatrical performances are restricted wholly and totally to Gaelic Football and are the property of Kerry GAA.

The Seamus Moynihan Wailing Wall underneath the Hogan Stand

In keeping with the tradition of such derby events, canvassing will continue to be permitted. However, on the advice of the Election Commission and the stadium's Crowd Control Technicians, only former Presidents will be permitted to canvass inside the stadium.

Stadium hygiene regulations will be enforced with the assistance of the Fitzgibbon Street Garda Station hose. This will also apply to all items of headwear and stewards are permitted to confiscate offending items. Patrons should note that cloth caps cannot be carried and/or utilised as hankies.

Following direction from the Department of Health and Children, and the Centre for Disease Control, stadium management are satisfied that Swine Flu will not be a threat to any of the players, the officials and the patrons in attendance on the day.

End of Match comfort and support for losing players will be provided by Stadium Management. Kerry players will be transported to the Executive Gold Circle Lounge in Dublin Airport where therapists and teddy bears will be onsite. Cork, if required, will be facilitated within the stadium. The Seamus Moynihan Wailing Wall is located under the former presentation section in the Hogan Stand.

Plan B: "Yerra Christy let the Langers invade away, haven't they already dumped their
rubbish in Urlingford on their way up."

Plan C: "Doubt'ja Christy bhoy, that water canon was a great idea."

©Frilly Keane