10 Ways To Convince Cork Exiles to Move Home

14th Dec 2017

Moving home for good will be on many emigrants’ minds as they return to Cork for Christmas and it is the job of those of us here to convince/bully them to come back to the promised land. Here’s our guide to ensuring you win them over.

1. Tús Maith Leath na hOibre
They’ll be in top form arriving at Cork Airport for De Crissmuss so it’s up to you to keep the ball rolling. It might seem small compared to the enormo-mess at Heathrow they just left but strolling through the friendliest passport control in the world and being ushered into a waiting cab that brings them to a warm cosy Cork pub for a Christmas pint 30 minutes after landing will get your mission off to a good start.

2. Let Them Bad Mouth
They all need to go off on one about the insanity of the jaywalking on Pana, the lack of a street train in the city or how restaurants here still serve chips on plates instead of fashionably ironic containers like mini shopping trolleys, hollowed out cricket bats and coal shovels. They all deeply love their native county but need to pretend to themselves that Cork isn’t perfect to be able to get back on that plane again after Christmas. Give them space.

3. If It Drags On Though Cut Them Down
You can entertain some critical analysis of your city and county from a returning emigrant (every langer has an opinion, they say) but there’s a line you cannot allow them cross. For example, suggesting their adopted home of Dublin is in anyway preferable to Cork under any category must be met with an appropriately insulting response – like pouring a pint of Murphy’s over their head to get them to cop on to themselves. 

4. When People From Not Cork Move here..
This is how they get on:
https://www.independent.ie/business/technology/tech-workers-all-over-the-world-are-moving-to-this-irish-city-for-a-better-life-36405571.html

5. Economic Propaganda
It’s not long since Christmas trips home for emigrants had the air of a funeral - they’d be issued with morbid lists of places in town that had recently shut along with the accompanying job losses that had gone with each failure.

Now that things have turned around completely it’s your job to regal them with the facts: For example, the scores of new restaurants like Bunsen, Rachel’s, Sliced, Umi, Koto, Bao Boy, Tequila Jacks, The Spitjack and Flame to name a few.  A saunter down the Marina to see the new Páirc Uí Chaoimh and it’s impressive synthetic pitch nearby is also worth a gander and dip into a new pub like Arcadia or The Bridge with them for a sneaky crissmuss gat. 

6. Keep Them Away From the Tunnel
Whatever you do don’t bring returning emigrants anywhere near the Jack Lynch Tunnel. With tens of thousands of cars on the South Ring Road feeding into it every day all it takes is an ill judged tap on the brakes or a clipped wing mirror to bring the place to a standstill. Spending six hours sitting in a car wistfully looking down on the queue for KC’s in Douglas from a flyover will not entice them home.

7. This Craic Happens Every Week
‘Ahhhh the craic last night was mighty, it’s great to get everyone together once a year’, they’ll say.
Assure them that booze-ups of this epic-ness happen at least once a month and sometimes every week – it’s a pity they’re not around all the time, like. While they are grinding out the overtime in a glassy building in London or New York you and the lads are here in Cork having super-bantz in a pub with a roaring fire and table of stout. Mostly.

8. Don’t Mention Housing
You don’t want to put any emigrant thinking of repatriating off by dwelling on the fact that they might have to live in a coal bunker in Mallow with a load of beefy eastern European truck drivers if they want to move back to Cork.

If it comes up in conversation as a stumbling block to their repatriation remind them that the next recession will be along shortly so by the time they return they’ll be able to pick up a four bed-semi in Carrigaline for the price of can of tanora and a Lennox’s fish supper.

9. Tap Into This
Feens coming back from the big cities used to love telling us about the variety of local ales available on tap in their favourite (soulless, brightly lit) boozer called ‘The Crown and Lion’ or wherever but long gone are the days when all Cork bars had were the taps of the big Dublin and Dutch breweries.

Most Cork pubs worth their salt now have an array of craft beer options as wide as the mouth of Cork harbour and you can also inform your compatriot that the Franciscan Well’s Chieftan, brewed in Cork, is now the biggest selling craft beer in Ireland. Sure even the People’s Republic has a lager and IPA now  – all brewed and owned independently on Leeside.

10. 2018 FOMO
Lastly you’ll want to start layering the foundations for GAA championship Fear Of Missing Out to really push them to move home soon.”C’mere, imagine the buzz around town if we win Liam McCarthy next year”. What true Rebel wouldn’t want to miss out on that? “C’mere, some howl if we beat Kerry in the new Páirc in the Munster final.

You should move back home, boy.