Jokes thread......

[Bookworm]

Dunno if this has been posted before but here it is anyway :

This family is driving through town. The son looks
over the seat and asks his father, "Dad, is it OK for
us guys to notice all the different kind of breasts?"
Surprised, the father answers, "Well,sure son, we
of breasts...depending on a woman's age In her
twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and
firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears,
still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are
like onions." "Onions, Dad?" "Yeah, you see them and
they make you cry...."

Not to be outdone, his sister asks their mother,
"Mom, how many kind of pen **** s are there?" The
mother, delighted to have equal time, answers,
"Well, daughter, a man goes through three phases.
In his twenties, a man's pe ** s is like an oak,
mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is
like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his
fifties, it is like a Christmas tree." "A Christmas
tree?"
"Yep,all dried up and the balls are only there for
decoration."

 

[Bookworm]

And another :

A plane is on its way to Melbourne when a blonde in
Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class
section and sits down.
The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to
see her ticket.
She then tells the blonde passenger that she's paid
for Economy and that she will have to go and sit in
the back.

The blonde replies "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm
going to Melbourne and I'm staying right here!"

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells
the pilot and co-pilot that there is some blonde bimbo
sitting in First Class that belongs in Economy and
won't move back to her seat.

The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to
explain that because she only paid for economy she is
only entitled to an economy seat and she will have to
leave and return to her original seat.

The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm
going to Melbourne and I' m staying right here!"

Exasperated the co-pilot tells the pilot that it was
no use and that he probably should have the police
waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman
that won't listen to reason.

The pilot says, "You say she's blonde? I'll handle
this, I'm married to a blonde, and I speak blonde!"

He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and
she says "Oh, I'm sorry- I had no idea," gets up and
moves back to her seat in the economy section.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked
him what he said to make her move without any fuss.

The Pilot replied " I told her First Class isn't going
to Melbourne"

 

[chipsncheese]

The England team's training session was delayed this morning for nearly two
hours at Telstra Stadium.

One of the players, while on his way back to the dressing room happened to
look down and notice a suspicious looking, unknown white powdery substance
at the end of the field.

Coach Clive Woodward immediately suspended practice while the Police were
called in to investigate.

After a field analysis, the Police determined that the white substance,
unknown to the English players, was the try line.

Practice was resumed when the officials decided that it was unlikely that
the team
would encounter the substance again.

 

[quasi]

A guy walks into a bar with a dachshund under
his arm. The dog is wearing a England rugby
jersey and is festooned with England pom-poms.


The bartender says, "Hey! No pets are allowed! You'll have to leave."


The guy begs him, "Look, I'm desperate! We're
both big fans, the TV's broken at home, and this is the only place around where we can see the game."

After securing a promise that the dog will
behave, and warning him that he and the dog will be thrown out if there's any trouble, the bartender relents and allows them to stay in the bar and watch the game. The big game begins with the poms receiving the kickoff. They march down field, get stopped at the 22, and kick a penalty goal.

Suddenly, the dog jumps up on the bar and begins walking up and down the bar giving high-fives to everyone. The bartender says, "Wow, that is the most amazing thing I've seen! What does the dog do if they score a try?"

The owner replies, "I don't know, I've only
had him for three years."

 

[The Goldie Fish]

>>At the end of a tiny deserted bar is a huge Limerick
>>bloke - 6ft 5in tall and 350lbs. He's having a few
>>beers when a short, well dressed and obviously gay man
>>walks in and sits eside him. After 3 or 4 beers, the
>>gay fella finally plucks up the courage to say
>>something to the big man. Leaning over, he cups his
>>huge ear. "Do you want a blow job?" he whispers. At
>>this, the massive Munsterman leaps up with fire in his
>>eyes and smacks the man in the face, knocking him off
>>the stool, he proceeds to beat him all the way out of
>>the bar. Finally he leaves him, badly bruised, in the
>>car park and returns to his seat as if nothing had
>>happened. Amazed the bartender quickly brings over
>>another beer. "I've never seen you react like that" he says."Just what

>>did he say to you?" I'm not sure" the big Limerick man replies."
>>Something about a job."
>>
>>
>>
>>Q. If you see a Limerick man on a bicycle, why should
>>you never swerve to hit him?
>>
>>A: It might be your bicycle
>>
>>
>>
>>Q: What do you call a Limerick man in a three-bed
>>semi?
>>
>>A: A burglar
>>
>>
>>
>>Q: Why wasn't Jesus born in Limerick?
>>
>>A: Because God couldn't find three wise men and a
>>virgin
>>
>>
>>
>>Q: What's the difference between a man from Limerick
>>and a coconut?
>>
>>A: One's thick and hairy, and the other's a coconut
>>
>>
>>
>>Q: What do you say to a Limerick man in a uniform?
>>
>>A: Big Mac and fries please
>>
>>
>>
>>Q: What's the first question at a Limerick pub quiz
>>night ?
>>
>>A: What you looking at?
>>
>>
>>
>>Q: What do you call a native of Limerick in a White
>>Shellsuit ?
>>
>>A: The Bride
>>
>>
>>
>>Q: Why does a river run through Limerick?
>>
>>A: Because if it walked, it would probably get mugged

 

[The Goldie Fish]

A recruit pln in Clonmel one time back in the 70s bought a parrot as a platoon mascot. The parrot resided quite happily for 6 months or so on the landing of the North Block where he had the full benefit of the Orderly Sgt's banter every day.

Eventually the platoon passed out and went their separate waysand unable to find an owner for the bird, they sold it back to the pet shop. A week or so later a little old lady bought the parrot, delighted it had already learned to talk. Imagine he horror when the parrot started screeching at daybreak next morning,

"Get the fuck out of bed now. Hands of cocks, get on yer socks. You shower of wankers broke your mothers' heart but you won't break mine. Fall in downstairs in five minutes were going for a fuckin run ladies." And so on through the day the parrot ran through the entire manual of foot drill and arms drill with some colourful additions.

And then in the afternoon the Parish Priest called round, to be greeted with "Fuck me it's the devil chaser. Mind your fuckin language there O'Toole you heathen bastard."

The old lady broke down in tears of embarrassment. There's only one cure for him says the priest, a short, sharp shock. When he starts in the morning pour a bucket of cold water over the cage and that will cure his bad language advised the padre.

Next morning at dawn the parrot started to screech-"Fall the fuck in downstairs on the fuckin double"-interrupted by a deluge of ice cold water...........................
"and bring your fuckin ponchos it's pissing rain outside."

 

[PROClaimer]

>A confident James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a
very
>attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, and then casually looks
at
>his watch for a moment.
>
>
>
>The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
>
>
>
>"No," he replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I
was
>just testing it."
>
>
>
>The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? "What's so
special
>about it?"
>
>
>
>Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
>
>
>
>The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"
>
>
>
>"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties...."
>
>
>
>The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am
wearing
>panties!"
>
>
>
>Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's an hour fast."

 

[chipsncheese]

an oldie but still good........



"My parents have been there for me, ever since I was about 7."
David Beckham


"I would not be bothered if we lost every game as long as we won the
league."
Mark Viduka


"Alex Ferguson is the best manager I've ever had at this level. Well, he's
the only manager I've actually had at this level. But he's the best manager
I've ever had."
David Beckham


"If you don't believe you can win, there is no point in getting out of bed
at the end of the day."
Neville Southall


"I've had 14 bookings this season 8 of which were my fault, but 7 of which
were disputable."
Paul Gascoigne


"I've never wanted to leave. I'm here for the rest of my life, and hopefully
after that as well."
Alan Shearer


"I'd like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona."
Mark Draper


"I faxed a transfer request to the club at the beginning of the week, but
let me state that I don't want to leave Leicester."
Stan Collymore


"I was watching the Blackburn game on TV on Sunday when it flashed on the
screen that George (Ndah) had scored in the first minute at Birmingham. My
first reaction was to ring him up. Then I remembered he was out there
playing."
Ade Akinbiyi


"Without being too harsh on David Beckham, he cost us the match."
Ian Wright


"I'm as happy as I can be but I have been happier."
Ugo Ehiogu


"Leeds is a great club and it's been my home for years, even though I live
in Middlesborough."
Jonathan Woodgate


"I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel."
Stuart Pearce


"I took a whack on my left ankle, but something told me it was my right."
Lee Hendrie


"I couldn't settle in Italy it was like living in a foreign country."
Ian Rush


"Germany are a very difficult team to play...they had 11 internationals out
there today.."
Steve Lomas


"I always used to put my right boot on first, and then obviously my right
sock."
Barry Venison


"I definitely want Brooklyn to be christened, but I don't know into what
religion yet."
David Beckham


"The Brazilians were South American, and the Ukrainians will be more
European."
Phil Neville


"All that remains is for a few dots and commas to be crossed."
Mitchell Thomas


"One accusation you can't throw at me is that I've always done my best."
Alan Shearer


"I'd rather play in front of a full house than an empty crowd."
Johnny Giles


"Sometimes in football you have to score goals."
Thierry Henry

 

[chipsncheese]

A man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in
a very secluded, rural area of the state.
After spending the night, his grandfather prepared
breakfast for him consisting of eggs and bacon. He
noticed a film-like substance on his plate and
questioned his grandfather.......


"are these plates clean?"


His grandfather replied...."those plates are as
clean as cold water can get them, so go on and
finish your meal." That afternoon, while eating
the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, he
noticed tiny specks around the edge of his plate,
and a substance that looked like dried egg yokes....


so he asked again...."Are you sure these plates are
clean?" Without looking up from his hamburger, the
grandfather says......"I told you before, those dishes
are as clean as cold water can get them, now don't ask
me about it anymore!" Later that afternoon, as he was
on his way out to get the paper, the dog started to
growl and would not let him pass.......


"Grandfather, your dog won't let me out," he complained.
Without diverting his attention from the football game,
his Grandfather shouted......"Coldwater, Move!"

 

[waddit]

As a pig ignorant git with no sense of humor I find this thread pointless and want it taken down now as I find it offensive.
I'm going now, Bye.