Tellys In The Taxis

10th Jul 2003

There's Tellys in De Taxis!

The cinema don't go no where but taxis do

If you were to listen to some of the national radio stations over the last number of years you might be left with the impression that all taxi drivers come from satan's womb, bribed their driving test examiner and think using indicators is a sign of weakness. Since the deregulation of the taxi industry the number of taxis on the streets has steadily increased. In Dublin, already a city with little self respect for itself (being trounced by Armagh footballers for the second year in a row doesn't help either), mounting traffic problems and along with other atrocious public transport issues - taxi drivers have become figures of public hatred.

Dublin drivers have been found guilty time and time again by RTE's Lordship On High: Judge Joe Duffy of not just taking passengers for a ride to their destination but for a financial ride too. (In some cases there might be a third kind of ride but we in Cork would frown upon uncivilised actions like that - reserved for uncultured pagans in the pale.)

So what's been happening in Cork? A survey carried out by PeoplesRepublicOfCork.com* now sensationally reveals that despite the slide in public opinion elsewhere, taxi drivers in Cork are 30% sounder than before taxi deregulation. An incredible six times the rate of inflation. It starts with the taxi itself. While other drivers around the country have cut back on passenger luxuries like radios, windscreens and seatbelts Cork drivers have been adding technology to theirs. You better prepare yourself in case you weren't aware of what could be in store for you the next time you hail one down after a feed of juice on a Saturday night.

Lamp this: recently drivers of those mad six seater space wagon taxis have installed on-board TVs with surround sound for their passengers! Can you believe it?!! A taxi with a telly! The job.
Entering a taxi usually signals the end of a night out. If its very late and you're full of oil the chances are you'll put the head down despite the best efforts of the driver to keep you conscious either with his tapes of "Brendan Shine Live in The Arcadia" or with bizarre opinions on local and world affairs. Like all intelligent Corkmen the taxi driver has been striving to improve passenger satisfaction unlike his bitter twisted colleague in other parts of Ireland so this excellent hi-tech addition proves again beyond a reasonable doubt how great a nation Cork really is.

The lads out in the sun discussing latest DVD releases and Flor Griffin's latest offers on widescreen TVs

After getting in and having your destination confirmed you might expect a calm and uneventful journey home however you're in for a surprise as a fifteen inch screen appears over the front passenger seat. Much like a DJ assesses his audience and plays music accordingly the taxi driver is assessing you and your fellow passengers as you clamber in and he picks out an appropriate DVD based on your apparent intelligence and level of intoxication. Transmissions can vary from political documentaries and current affairs programmes to comedies such as The Simpsons. As we, at the People's Republic Headquarters, only have experience of being subjected to the latter we are disappointedly not in a position to comment on how to go about looking like you are somebody who would be worthy of more meaningful programming.

A sleepy set of passengers will be electrifyingly jolted back into reality as 20 decibels of a high pitched Bart Simpson suddenly fills the vehicle which has now taken on the shape of a mini cinema. Its an unexpectedly terrifying experience which takes several minutes to come to terms with.

Be warned that if you have had the misfortune to have indulged in hallucinogenic or similar mind altering substances like a chicken burger from a particular late night "food" outlet in the city centre the experience may be a little more than overwhelming as the spinning surround sound all around you should have you freaked out to the point of irreversible insanity for which we're told taxi drivers have taken out extra insurance. Its terrifying to say the least which must leave many first time passengers with an uncomfortable companion in their trousers for the remainder of their journey.

Wonder when Bus Eireann will have tellys? Some scraps over the remote control down the back.

Once the reality checks have been done and everyone has finished feeling the TV screen to convince themselves its actually there (confirming that their drinks weren't spiked after all) the remainder of the journey will become a brand new experience pioneered of course exclusively in Cork. No strangers to exaggeration themselves taxi drivers and their union representatives claim they will have enough buying power to out bid the likes of Sky Sports for pay-per-view soccer matches and local cinemas for the latest movie releases which will transform the taxi industry in Cork into a global entertainment corporation. The union stopped short on whether some taxis would be showing pornos simply stating that "it could be messy".

* At least seven people were involved in this study which took place at a free-gaf on Southern Road last Saturday night/Sunday morning.