Nuclear Reactor in UCC

17th Jul 2003

Nuclear Reactor in UCC
Danny Elbow

Many of you will have been startled earlier this week at the reports in media both nationally (i.e. within Cork) and internationally (places like Athlone, Dublin and Basra) that an ageing nuclear reactor is being "stored" at the department of Physics in UCC. The reactor was donated to Ireland by the US in 1974 when the Irish government was considering building Ireland's first nuclear power station but decided to ditch the plans once it emerged that the public were vehemently opposed to the idea.

Firstly we at PeoplesRepublicOfCork.com HQ would like to put both our citizens and potential Dublin based targets at rest and deny any involvement with the discovery. Currently associated bodies such as The Cork Revolutionary Council, The Cork Republican Feenhood and The Society for Corkonian Jihad do not have any plans to develop a nuclear arsenal…..not inside the county bounds anyway.

Your other fear will of course be what the hell "nuclear free zone" signs are doing at the entrance to Cork City when up the road in UCC there's enough uranium to produce a nuclear explosion not just to dislodge but to instantly vapourise our beloved Golden Angel on the top of St. Finbarr's Cathedral! And we all know what that signals: the end of the world as we know it.

Compo claims from radiation hangovers could hike college fees

Hopefully George Double-Ya Bush or any of his buddies in the White House won't catch wind of this. Could we see television pictures of UN weapons inspectors arriving in their white jeeps and chemical clothing not to a remote site in the Iraqi desert but wading through packs of hung over students in UCC to reach their target? Instead of red tape and diplomatic resistance hampering their inspections they will be frustrated by the likes of dread locked Johnny Postgrad who has just finished rolling a joint and who can't find the keys to the shed where the reactor has been kept for 17 years.

A few days later a meeting at the UN Security Council headquarters in New York will hear this his report, read by Hans Blix:

"At the site in the University where it was claimed the nuclear weapons were being stored a young student who was in command of the bunker could not remember whether he had left the keys for the store with the new caretaker or in the college bar where he had been drinking heavily the previous night. When the keys were found there was one nuclear rod from the reactor unaccounted for. When questioned the student admitted using the missing rod in a fancy dress competition for the Rag Week Ball which raises money for local charities."

Blix arrives for inspections at the college bar

Anyway, we already know that any terrorist who wants to get access to the lethal contents held at the Department of Physics has to simply wait until the next happy hour in the college bar. UCC say a camera watches the reactor 24 hours-a-day! Wooooo! Any evil minded terrorist who has been trained to be able to kill even the most hardened commando will happily skip through the corridors pumping his Ak-47 assault rifle as UCC's security guards use their best weapon: threatening to have the terrorist's exams cancelled for not showing his student ID card when asked. Wonder if the answer to that question is included in Al Queida training manuals?

The burning issue as debated by the media is where UCC are going to be able to get rid of the nuclear reactor. Sending it off to Sellafield would of course be quite ironic. Imagine the red faces when all the patriotic members of UCC's Green Party who have been chaining themselves to the gates of Sellafield learn that the lads up in the Department of Physics have been throwing nuclear rods around the lab at lunchtime for the last 17 years!! Sellafield is definitely out.

Suspicions grew about the new caretaker...

Obviously the City dump is out of the question for disposing the two-and-a-half tonne reactor because the site has almost reached its capacity at this stage. With college fees set to shoot up for registration at UCC again this year the college may consider selling the reactor to an independent buyer to help ease the burden on students. According to Commander-In-Chief Osama Bin Murphy People's Republic Of Cork Militia does wish register its interest in the product which will be used to develop and test devices away from the mainland far out in the deep oceans of the Lough. However Murphy acknowledges that he may be outbid by a group of car enthusiasts from Ballyphehane who believe they can hook up the reactor to their old lade's punto outdoing rivals who have added turbo and go-faster stripes to their wagons. There'd be some roar off that engine!

However, we feel that one very obvious option is being over-looked. Fear not because right under the roadways and footpaths of Cork City the world's most efficient sewer system is being laid. The simple solution must be for the UCC gang to make sure the toilets in the college are connected up to the new system then break the reactor into tiny bits and flush them all down the bog where they will be sent out to sea eventually finding a home among the cockles and mussels in Dublin Bay compliments of the Gulf Stream. It should be emphasised to the students who undertake this operation that this method of disposal should be carried out in the absence of drink and a lecturer should supervise to make sure every step of the procedure is done as professionally as possible. There you have it: problem solved.

Check out the Hans Blix Fanclub

Anyone interested in hooking a civic up to a nuclear reactor should check this out (should be enough to keep you going for the weekend)