Exam Guide 4: Using Cogs Effectively

9th Jun 2003

Using Cogs Effectively
Danny Elbow

Get inside the Exam hall the night before with some sellotape

In professional soccer where there is so much pressure on players to win practising the perfect dive to imply a push by an opposing player can be the difference between winning and losing a match. Similarly, in the high pressure environment of the leaving certificate students must use every option available to them in order to achieve the points they require or are told they require by somebody. If you're in the box and there's an opportunity go straight down.

Every exam with the possible exception of old doll subjects like art can be made easier with a few simple reminders dotted here and there around your stationery.

Calculators
Colleges and most schools have copped onto feens using what could be deemed as mini laptops in exams. They now insist that every student purchases the same calculator. This calculator is usually decided upon by the most senior maths teacher who arranges a cut for students at a specific calculator outlet. The teacher will then get a brown envelope full of grade from the vendor in reward. This money may be spent on things such as chalk or drugs.

The thing is that exam supervisors now consider the calculator a safe zone when they root through your pencil case in search of any cogs so they're not likely to scrutinise it once they see it is the correct model. Most calculators are grey and a leaded pencil goes a long way to write copious amounts of maths, science and business studies formulae. The cogs can only be viewed when the calculator is tilted at a very precise angle to the nearest light source. Mad.

Alternatively if you get bored during an exam you can do things like make up words by typing in certain numbers that look like letters of the alphabet when turned upside down. Words like "boobs" can be made quite easily (give it a go) and if you are a hormone ridden teenager doing the leaving - jokes like this should keep you happily amused until the end of the exam.

Spot the cogs

Uniforms
Many students are not required to wear uniforms by their school at exam time. It is seen as giving students a little more freedom in a time of high pressure and stress. This of course is a myth because it is well known that a student's tie can be the most elaborate method of getting heaps of cogs into an exam. Lamp the picture. Notice the vast capacity of the tie where you can stuff at least a good three to four sheets of cogs. Make sure the writing is small and keep everything in point form. Don't put things on it that you could blag in the exam anyway like an entire English essay or Irish vocabulary.

Taking some excess official answer books home can be very beneficial as the supervisor will think you've done the work in the exam. The supplementary paper is the job as you can just pop it into your answer-book as soon as you sit down and the supervisor feen won't know a thing. With a better result this could make the difference in getting your old lade to pay for your holiday to Santa Ponza that you're taking with forty seven of class mates in September.

Mid Exam Communication
Students in some county Cork schools, namely in the Charleville area, have allegedly established what appears to be a secret code or language by which they use to communicate in exam halls. While the more dim students have been the main pioneers of the language the class geeks are often forced to learn it just to provide detailed information to those in need. The language has an alphabet which is made up of a coughs, grunts, heavy breathing, sniffs and snorts which is very similar to the dialect of English used in Limerick and the more civilised areas of County Clare. It is estimated to take up to thirty minutes to communicate a single Shakespeare quote from geek to freak.

Bribery
if your aul fella works on the Mall you may be able to produce a thick wad of cash when you get caught by the short and curlies receiving texts from your brother on your mobile phone with the answer to this year's integration question on the Maths paper.

Alternatively if you are affiliated to a well known Cork drug dealing family you may have the option of influencing the scrutinising eyes of the supervisor to your benefit. Bearing physical supremacy over your exam supervisors has enormous potential. You can also get one of your associates who has break-and-enter experience to sellotape some cog ridden exam scripts under the desk for you. Nice wan.

IT'S ALL A RISK!
Careful organisation of your cogs is essential. Don't forget that there are risks associated with cogging in an exam like writing down the wrong information. Make sure you write down the CORRECT formula and double check everything against your notes and books the night before. You'd be some ghoul to get the cogs in and then write down the wrong info in the exam. Make your own good luck!