Cork Week 2004

15th Jul 2004

Cork Week 2004

When most of you shams hear the word sport and "elitist" together you probably start thinking of a mad tracksuit you saw in a North Main St. sports shop. This couldn't be further from the truth when we begin to talk about sailing in Cork. The North Main St. mightn't be physically far from Crosshaven but spiritually it is light years away.

Sailing as a concept is pure daycint - you don't need petrol or diesel but you can bate around the gaf using just wind as the fuel. That means you could sail to a far away place like.Jamaica for free. Mad.

If you bothered with history at school you might remember a feen called Christopher Columbus who claimed he found America before St. Brendan. Both these feens used sailing boats so the harnessing of the wind for sailing is a very ancient and fine skill.

Therefore you would think that all the people who are into sailing are crusty wise old men who sit on piers dressed in Aran sweaters and smoke pipes all day.

If you have managed to travel down to Crossers this week or if you plan to go tonight or tomorrow night you'll see very few wise old men sitting around stroking their beards and very few Aran sweaters either. Instead you will be confronted with a mini- town filled with thousands of sailors - or at the very least thousands of people dressed like sailors. Sailing and fashion go hand in hand these days and if you're thinking of heading down to Crosshaven for a few "bevies" before the week is out take note of our guide to fitting in.

FASHION

The irony about sailing fashion is that while its ludicrously expensive, to the untrained eye, its all more or less the same.

A horizontally striped rugby shirt is an absolute must for your wardrobe. It shouldn't have the crest of an actual rugby team though. It must have a brand name of a reputable sailing label like Mustang, Javlin, McWilliam etc. Although they probably cost even less than ordinary rugby shirts to produce they retail at much higher prices so this will enhance your reputation among the poshies. (Get the name of a yacht embroidered on the garment for bonus fashion points.)

Turning up in your finest yellow flashy shirt, pin stripe pants and black slip-ons with a giant shiny buckle won't do much for your credibility especially if you're thinking of chatting up the many fine women on site. Runners, t-shirts and trackas with common sports label are out. These are for the riff-raf .

Tattoos are a big no-no and large goldy sovereigns will have to be removed - sailors don't tend to wear rings as they get in the way of sailing gloves used to minimise the damage taut ropes cause on the hands. Poshies will also find the skull and crossbones (or cobra) attached to the top of the ring intimidating.

Don't even dream of wearing a soccer or GAA jersey. " Come loike those sports are just soooo common denominator". Parka jackets, naff jackets, skin heads, cru-cuts will have to be left at home.

GIFT OF THE GOB

The way you speak is more important than fashion and will be the difference between you fitting in and getting turfed out by security. Any hint of your beautiful musical Cork accent will set alarm bells ringing. That strange Dublin 4 like tinge to the Douglas/Crosshaven accent is what you need to aim for. It always helps if you pretend you have some large object lodged in your rear end.

Addressing your fellow sailors as "chief" or "squire" (according to your affection for them) will create an instant connection. Crosser heads, like the rugby crowd, have short nicknames for lots of things.

Shortening words and giving them unnecessary nicknames is a significant part of sailing. It creates a wonderful opportunity to belittle those not in the know.

For gats a heiner or heiny means a Heineken. A spinny means "spinnaker" - the big coloured sail that looks like a beer belly. Similarly the genoa (the smaller of the two main sails) is referred to as the "jenny". If you don't understand something that is said to you just nod and pretend your too "stocious" from the gat to further the conversation.

BOOZIN

For all your common traits and rough edges you will definitely find common ground with all the yachties at one station: the bar. They've even got a 96FM bar down there which the yachties are trying to keep quiet in case any excess 'Northsiders' make the journey. As the night goes on the bar will get busier and busier and you'll find that competition for a barmaid's attention will be difficult.

Initially you can try a few sailing jokes like pushing your way through the crowd shouting "starboard!" or "water at the mark!". If that doesn't work shouting at bar staff in a very arrogant manner will go down a treat. Threaten to have their job taken from them if they don't serve you immediately because you know the managing director who pays their wages personally.

(very sarcastically) "I'd say you'll end up in the top tax bracket once in your life" is a sufficiently ignorant reply when the barmaid thanks you for money.

As the night goes on if you are over 50 years of age making horrendous suggestions to the 18 year old bar maid about where she should stay the night will win you points with your new sailing mates. Guffawing loudly at your own inappropriateness is good fun - don't be embarrassed because sexual harassment can only be committed by people in the lower tax bracket or by those without a job.

A strange and nervous complex about people form the Northside of Cork City is also required to fit in with your sailing buddies. Most sailors at Crosshaven will never have been across the North Gate Bridge except for when they had to do their final-year UCC accountancy exam at Neptune Stadium. Some of Corks' yachties live in such closed communities that many of them will find the Cork accent as difficult as a Northern Ireland or Waterford accent to interpret.

A batch of north side jokes adopted from the widespread prejudices that exist between the two sides of Dublin will come in handy too. Remember that putting other people down is a handy way to elevate your status with these folk.

So we hope you enjoy your night out (remember to get sick in the taxi on the way home and then start an argument when he asks you to pay for the valleting) its nice to get an incite into how the other half live. Next week when you're dressed in your tracka sitting cosy in your gaf you'll feel much better about your own "humble" Corkonian lifestyle.