Who Would Want a Motorway to Limerick?

12th May 2015

The Dublin government have caused consternation in Limerick this week by announcing that there is no money to build a motorway to Cork. The road would reduce travel time between the cities by half an hour. Reaction hasn’t been so vociferous on Leeside. 

Despite the Minister for Transport, Paschal Donoghue from Dublin, blocking funding for a project in Cork the outrage and fist waving at the jackeens has been somewhat muted – let’s take a look at the reasons why….

Keep Your Horse Outside
Over 80% of people from Limerick use a piebald as their primary mode of transport. The other 20% use camels siphoned off transport planes that refuel at Shannon Airport on their way from the middle east to the U.S. The shelved motorway from Limerick to Cork had been designed with two lanes for motor vehicles and two lanes for horses in each direction – this was bound to cause big problems.
 

Always give way to piebalds coming from the right

The motorway would also dramatically increase the volume of horse manure on Cork city centre streets –something that would make visitors from Limerick feel right at home but would kill it for locals.

Much of Limerick is covered in horse fouling at any one time to the point where it has been seen and from the International Space Station with one astronaut claiming she could smell it. Not the type of thing to give Cork’s soaring tourist numbers another boost.  

Cork Airport Relief
The government have been doing their best to move as much business from Cork Airport to Dublin Airport as they possibly can over the last few years. They also made Shannon airfield aka ‘Guantanamo Bay North’ and Limerick’s criminals’ favoured escape route to exile, completely independent to allow it to attack Cork International Airport on a second front.
 

Guantanamo Bay North Airport where middle eastern lads in chains are shown around to make them realise things could be worse than going to a U.S. torture chamber

Corkonians are now herded onto buses for anything up to four and a half hours to get flights out of The Pale to anywhere other than the usual UK destinations – the M8 motorway has been a boon for its unpleasantly huge airport.  The lack of a similar motorway from Cork to Limerick and Shannon Airport will ease the pressure somewhat on Cork  - giving it another few years before its list of destinations extends to one flight a week to London.

Less Limerick people
Easily identifiable by their wife-beater vests, unshaven faces, hairy armpits and lack of teeth Limerick women are often as tough as the city’s men folk whose outstanding body feature are their unusually long thin arms and fingers that look like skeleton keys – evolution experts believe that acquiring the ability to open locked front doors of houses via their letterboxes is crucial for their survival so hence the unusual body shape.
 

Even the dogs would stab you

A motorway between the two cities would see a massive increase in this strand of DNA on our streets so now that the motorway project has been knocked on the head it will remain difficult for them to get to the People’s Republic - not entirely a bed of nails for Corkonians.  

Why Would You Go To Limerick?
The motorway to Dublin is great for getting home quickly after a Sunday afternoon in Croke Park but why would a Corkonian want to go to Limerick? There are barely any reasons to commit such a senseless act unless you are trying to find a precious item that was stolen from you in Cork, hire a hitman or perhaps a meteorology student studying that county’s never ending rain.

The PROC’s Pothole committee would like to see far more investment within the county to allow Cork people to move around Cork more easily. Much of the roads in the west of the county are bumpy and treacherous but the towns, villages, mountains and beaches are pure daycint. That’s what Corkonians want – not access to somewhere they don’t want to go in the first place.