What Other Heritage Can Cork County Board Sell Off For A Few Quid?

16th Jan 2024

They’ve been flahing us with their silly prices for the last few years, now StupidValu are flahing our sporting heritage too.

But it’s grand because we have a stadium debt to pay that looks more like that of a small country and a dwindling audience because of TV paywalls. In case you haven’t heard, we’re not even getting the “Kingspan Breffni Park” atrocity template of “SuperValu Páirc Uí Chaoimh”.

The Cork County Board have opted instead for the full eradication of the stadium’s historic name with “SuperValu Park” – taking out the Irish language element of it too – the marketing expert's equivalent of dropping cultural cluster munitions. 

The PROC’s Marketing and Soul-Selling Department have been brainstorming other top ideas to help take tiny miniscule percentages off the county’s massive debt in exchange for cultural desecration….

  
‘Two For One Tuesdays’ Park
Páirc Uí Rinn is ripe for renaming. Due to its regular use for club matches and underage intercounty games through-out the year it is often mentioned in the local media more than its bigger brother down on the Marina. Sure like, who was this Ring character anyway? Some fella from Ringaskiddy? Yerra something-something-something about a self-inflicted large debt and taking every commercial opportunity possible. 

Cork Hurling Legend Half-Priced-Ham Horgan
Surely with the selling off of local sports heritage to the highest bidder, player names must also be in the county board’s sights for branding opportunities too. Who wouldn’t pay a few grand to get the word out about a tempting discount on bacon on the team sheet in the match programme when Cork line out against Limerick in the championship? That’ll pay off the debt for a few plastic seats in the north stand. Thanks Tasty Goujons Harnedy and Tuna Roll Coleman!

‘Take The Soup’ Tuck Shop
Forget the crisps, chocolate and fizzy drinks, the Tuck Shop in the stadium formerly known as Páirc Uí Chaoimh should now only serve SuperValu own-brand soup. Not only that but all ticket holders should be handed a cup at the turnstiles and forced to drink it before being permitted to enter. Cold. Cha-ching!

Half Time Tans
How about a half time game where SuperValu marketing executives dress up as early 20^th century imperialist British soldiers and they get to shoot blanks at young underage hurlers playing half time games? Bonus points for picking off kids with Irish language surnames whilst shouting “Oh come on chaps! It’s a dead language anyway!”.

Club Card Hard
"Hi love, j’you’ve a club card....so we can monitor all your purchases and mine all your data in exchange for tiny discounts on things you were never going to buy in the first place?". All Cork GAA clubs should replace their membership cards with SuperValu club cards with immediate effect.