Monster Underwater Internet Cable for Cork

21st Mar 2014

A giant underwater telecoms cable connecting Cork and mainland Europe is being proposed by Sea Fibre Networks. Currently all internet communications from Cork must travel overseas via Ireland’s only existing sea cable that runs between Dublin and Hollyhead.

The new southern underwater link will be of great interest to Cork’s revolutionaries. At the moment all Corkonian communications with the outside world, especially those with Catalonia and Scotland have to pass through The Pale’s servers where they are most likely being monitored by the Dubs.
 

VMware employees need reliable super fast internet connections to download boxsets

“This means that long-distance communication between PROC staff will no longer have to take place by string-n-cup phone”, said Looty Barry, PROC communications manager, “I’m sick of accidentally pouring Barry’s Tea into me ears”.  

The new cable that would give Cork direct connectivity to the UK and the continent would also give telecoms security to existing high-value companies like Trend Micro, Apple, EMC, VMware, PROC* and other massive tech companies on Leeside who rely heavily on high speed links to Europe and whose employees need very high speed internet cables to download the latest boxsets.
 

Angela's shop in Fountainstown will boast the fastest internet connection in Ireland

The proximity of the existing cable has resulted in several large internet companies setting up in Dublin despite Cork being a far more attractive and safer city to work and live in. With rents soaring in Dublin many companies in the Pale are finding it hard to lure the highly skilled workers they need so Cork will become the obvious choice. 
 

Our new hero? Sea Fibre Networks CEO Diane Hodnett who, having spent her formative years at UCC, is said to be very sympathetic to Corkonian independence. She wishes to lay a monster cable from Cork to Europe bypassing Dublin.

CORK: THE INTERNET FACTS
1. Currently, all Cork internet traffic heading for non-Irish destinations pass through Dublin (and we all hear on the radio about how slow traffic moves up there). The new link would eliminate Dublin.

2. The new link would allow the uploading of 3 million high res photos of Cork per second

3. Two years of music could pass through the cable in one second.

4. You will be able to download every second of porn on the internet to your phone by the time the number 8 bus gets from Pana to Lotabeg.

5. If you go swimming in Fountainstown and pull a moonie, your hoop will show up on every computer screen in Cork.
 

Vroom! Vroom!

* self-valuation of €131 billion. We might do you a deal if you're paying cash.