Top 10 Cork Christmas Humbugs

15th Dec 2015

1. De Parkin’s Too Expensive
As a shopkeeper you spend most of the season outraged that City Council would consider laying on a Christmas festival to attract tens of thousands of adults and children into town just yards from your business instead of just doing away with parking discs which would solve all the world’s problems including global warming and Justin Beiber.

There is no bigger evil in today’s world than those wretched pieces of red cardboard and you let everyone who comes into your shop know about it. God knows why they suddenly turn and run…. probably because they had to change their bloody parking disc! 



2. The Queues Are Too Long
They’re worse than the queues at the Austrian and Hungarian borders aren’t they? You’re all sweaty, you’ve carpet mouth from the sauce the night before and you could really do with a good fry up. To make it worse the rate this dopey langer behind the counter is bagging your new jeans you’d be over to the Bangladeshi sweat shop to make them yourself. Aggghhh!



3. There’s Too Much Banter
Is there anything worse than bumping into people you know at Christmas and the only thing they want to do is have a chat, a bit of craic and find out how your family are doing? C’mere you have people to trample over and push out of the way – these pleasant uplifting conversations where you reconnect with old friends are a terrible distraction from pumping the cash registers of the town.



4. The Houses Have Too Many Lights
Sure these houses could be a danger to low flying aircraft, especially rescue helicopters, who might confuse them with airports and lighthouses. Basically the luminous loving langers are trying to kill other people with their festive joy. Sa’disgrace Neil. These murderers should be all interned in prisons until the end of January. And of course have their power cut off.



5. The Pubs are Too Packed
Like the jazz festival nothing beats a cold empty pub at this time of year to avoid the crowds. What you want is a pint of whatever slop is sponsoring the Champions League or rugby, a nice stiff draught around your ankles and Sky News blasting out the latest travel chaos around the UK. Who’d want to be in a pub full of friends and family with a blazing peat fire, trad musicians elbowing out toe-tapping tunes in the corner and a cinnamon flecked hot port or Murphy’s Nollaig brew in the lámh?



6. Emigrants are Too EmmigrateY
They’re hardly off the plane and it seems like they’re running out the door of the pub again to get back to London or Melbourne for a New Year’s Eve ‘pordy’ with their new friends. It’s probably not even raining over there either.   



7. Christmas Jumpers are Too Christmasy
Hatred doesn’t the describe your emotions for fellas in colourful woolly Christmas jumpers. They might as well be wearing something that says “Death to old people” or “I Love Kilkenny Hurling Forever” on it. And those fellas with lights on their jumpers? They wouldn’t wear them during the year so what’s the point now? They should be rounded up to be sheared and held in sheep pens until Christmas is over.



8. The Ferris Wheel is Too Bright
It’s way too bright and festive. You can see it from the top of Gurranabraher and it’s in the way when you try to walk down Grand Parade. There are loads of noisy children screaming with delight everywhere too. Disaster.

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9. Bishop Lucey Park is Too Close-Y
Iit’s really annoying when you buy a flagon of cheap foreign cider at midday and you can’t go into the Peace Park to gat it on the benches and then wee on yourself as you take your lunchtime nap.

Now Cork City Council have scandalously closed the park during the day so that the city’s smallies can enjoy an enchanting winter wonderland every afternoon without tripping over you and your bodily fluids. Grrrrr!

10. Bahumbuging About Other People’s Bahumbugs
Sorry. We’re done now. ­