They'd Put Years On Ya

29th Jul 2010

They'd Put Years On Ya!

A study by UCC researchers has shown that watching the last ten minutes of any inter-county championship game involving the Cork footballers causes unusually fast aging.

Subjects, all of whom were passionate Cork supporters, were asked to watch the Limerick game last weekend whilst being filmed themselves. The results were astounding with some supporters bodies aging by up to 35 years in a single viewing.

This Cork supporter was pictured before and after the Limerick match last Saturday

With Cork four points up as injury time approached Alan O’Connor pushed a Limerick player in the back for which the home team were awarded a penalty. Directly after the subsequent goal, keeper Alan Quirke had a number of options that were monitored carefully by UCC’s scientists. Bearing in mind that Cork were a point ahead the menu that presented itself was such:

Option 1: hoof the shit out of the ball way up the field (t’fuck) as far away from the goal as humanly possible.

Option 2: kick the ball to a member of your own team closeby to ensure retention of possession

Option 3: kick the fucking thing to a goal-side member of the opposite team 30 yards from goal who then passes to a teammate who scores to level the match in injury time

Quirky with options

With the immediate implementation of option 3 by the Cork goalie the experiment’s subjects appeared to age by several decades as the match went into extra time. One 29 year old male’s hair fell out while another foxy female Rebel support’s hair turned silvery grey. Another 17 year old reported that he felt like settling down with a wife and a 25 year old woman entered the menopause.

A number of Rebel supporters who had made the risky journey to Mordor were seen to recoil to the ground with arthritic complaints, wheezing and minor strokes before Cork eventually beat Limerick by three points in extra time.

Senior football: these two 25 year olds were photographed whilst watching the first few minutes of extra time

Researchers are now frantically seeking a scientific explanation for such intense aging but recommend that Cork football supporters now bathe in Oil of Ulay prior to watching or travelling to any match particularly the Roscommon game this weekend in Croke Park.

Rebels Abú!

All Ireland football Qualifier: Cork V Roscommon Sunday August 1st 2pm Croke Park