The Art of Ball Hopping

4th May 2010

Northside kids can ball hop effectively by age 6.

The unique sense of humour exhibited by Corkonians has been lauded for centuries. In ancient times it is believed that writers, court jesters and all kinds of humourists travelled from around the world to witness and learn from the mesmerising arsenal of wit found in the Rebel county that mixes sarcasm, wanton exaggeration and lightning-fast quips.

The beautiful melodious nature of the Cork accent has evolved to give locals fond of delivering one-liners and humorous anecdotes a much larger range of tones from which to choose thus allowing them to apply much more dramatic twists and turns to their already superior witticisms.

When you mix this delightfully charming humour with Corkonians' love of playfully slagging each other off the result is commonly known as a 'ball hop'. This is not an easy concept to define as ball-hopping itself can take many forms and there is a wide spectrum of ball hops that one might hear around the county.

Furthermore, on paper or in isolation a ball-hop may not appear humorous to anyone who doesn't know a particular fact about the person being ball-hopped. The ball-hop must be subtle and cutting at the same time.

For example, some feen who has spent half an hour unsuccessfully chatting up a girl on one side of a Cork pub might return to his group of friends to be the brunt of some high intensity ball-hopping. To those outside the group it appears relatively humourless but his friends who know him well will contort in hysterics at the cheekiness of it all:

'Ah Sully, you were nearly there and she gave you the slip. It's like the Glen all over again boy!'

Only when you learn that this misfortunate singleton and reluctant hurling corner-back was to blame for his team's last minute defeat to Glen Rovers in the club's only county semi-final ever does the cutting humour and the true extent of the ball hop become clear.

If Sully is 'on the ball' himself however he'll quickly recover from the hurtful memory of a young forward slipping inside him to score a goal and scan his memory for any weakness or incidents connected with his challenger and immediately process them into a comprehensive ball-hop.

The more connected a returned ball-hop is to the original the better and because the 'ball' was sent into Sully's court he is permitted to dig one level deeper than the original ball-hop and in this case that means being allowed to moot his challenger's rumoured 'performances' without referring to them directly.

'Well Mahony kid, at least I finish out the game whether I win or lose'

Adam ballhops Eve

THE FIRST HOP
The source of the term 'ball hopping' is unknown but its sporting associations are certainly apt and unsurprising in a sports-mad county - hurling goalkeepers are often beaten by sliothars that bounce at high speed a few feet in front of them so this may be where the term originated.

Northsiders are better ball-hoppers than Southsiders as the latter tend to be more sensitive and don't engage in such personal digs lest there be a falling out between friends.

In ball-hopping strongholds like Ballyvolane and Blackpool some families, well-known for their sense of humour, have been known to communicate with each other exclusively by ball-hop.

'I'd ask ya to pass the salt there but sure you'd only ask me for an increase in pocket money'

A parent tired of ferrying their child to and from a nearby school might ball-hop their lazy teenage son with:

'Do you still want me to collect you from school tomorrow or will you walk home to have your nappy changed?'

Disappointingly for Corkonians there are no obvious ball-hops in the Bible but occasionally local clergy have found that inserting ball-hops into biblical stories allows parishioners' to remember religious tales more clearly.

"And Adam said to Eve, 'What do you mean do I have anything to give you to eat?! Woman, sure the last time I gave you an apple I ended up locked out of the garden in the nip."

Ball-hopping is heavily dominated by males as women tend to shy away from criticising each other. Cork men like to keep each other in check but a ball-hop directed at a female can be acceptable from time to time depending on the circumstances.

Cork taxi drivers are experts at combining both plamás and ball-hops and will use whatever information they have gathered about you to counter any incoming ball-hops especially if they get cheeky customers.

'What do I think of your dress? C'mere girl, tiz lovely but if it was any shorter tiz a Paddywagon you'd have to get into town and not a taxi!".

The search goes on for the perfect ball-hop but if you have a particular incite into this intriguing art that you'd like to tell us about or if you have witnessed a jaw-dropping 'end all' ball-hop please drop us a line.