Staunton's Successor


The Muppet Show Stumbles On
Finbarr Barry


Shut up bubilla.
Robbie Keane's performance on the Late Late Show last Friday night was another chapter in the demise of domestic soccer. The Irish captain, who stumbled through the interview making the same single point for its entire duration is not to blame. His masters at the FAI are.

The diminutive 'Tallaghtfornian' whimpered about the media's treatment of the players and manager but at the same time acknowledged that the performances were way below par.

It should be mentioned for those with a goldfish memory that this "below par" included a 5-2 drubbing by the tiny island of Cyprus, a humiliating 2-1 escape from the clutches of the mighty San Marino and a recent near-slaughtering by the returning Cypriots on the hallowed turf of Croke Park last week.

Robbie solemnly told us about unnamed young Irish players who were questioning their interest in playing for their country because of their treatment by the fans and media.

At just 38 years old he could yet be brought in at left back for Dundalk

Instead of acting like an experienced captain and either putting his arm around the player or just roaring about pride in the jersey and reminding him about their enormous wage packets, Robbie decided to confront the nation and the media instead.

When Staunton was appointed with an almost blank management CV there was consternation when a minority sports writers condemned the appointment. Many rightly questioned it but "Let's Give Him a Chance" was the mantra. He got twenty one months and close to a million quid for his trouble - a sum that would take someone on the average industrial wage 30 years to earn. In return, the Free State was handed humiliation on a global stage.

Are the media not supposed to express the dissatisfaction of Irish soccer fans with such toe curling results? If the manager makes an insane decision in his starting line up and appears to bear the tactical know-how of a Jack Russell in front of an oncoming car, are the media not meant to highlight it or at the very least question it?

Robbie made a mistake going on the show for two reasons. Firstly he's a bad speaker, has little charisma and doesn't give viewers the confidence that their captain should exude.

This isn't Robbie's fault as it's his duty to do so having being nominated for the position by Staunton.

World Class Management Team #2 ?

The second reason is that Robbie had to resolutely defend a man who had been found guilty on every charge and when he went on air was standing at the gallows with the FAI's noose around his neck.

The reality is that the performances during Staunton's tenure were, on average, poor. At best, to use meteorological parlance, the Republic were 'fair to moderate'.

No player will ever say anything about their manager that doesn't support their position, especially at international level. Hands up who thinks Stephen Ireland's decision to opt out of the Ireland squad wasn't something to do with his confidence in Staunton's crumbling shambles? At least a Cork man won't sit there and back a loser.

By not advising Robbie to hold off on his appearance and not force him to defend the indefensible, it lowers the captain's credibility in the eyes of soccer fans who will hope, possibly in vain, for better days. He should have been advised to keep his mouth shut.

The FAI are now in a position where they can make an appointment to change the fortunes of Irish soccer but the old demons of incompetence and politics, so often associated with the organisation, are likely to surface again.

Richie Bennis rests for a moment to prevent a banger.

Based on this eternal lack of hope, please allow PROC to suggest some candidates for the next "World Class Management Team":

They're not quite muppets but they're only one letter short, Podge and Rodge should definitely be on the list of 'maybes' - at least the post match interviews would be entertaining.

The tempting sexual innuendo of balls, bare legs and tight finishes would at the very least give us a few decent post match interviews and possibly frighten the opposition into defeat. If that doesn't work we can look to their previous incarnation as Zig and Zag with Ian Dempsey taking over Bobby Robson's advisory role.

Alternatively, a fittingly shameful way for the FAI to raise more money would be to have a You're A Star style competition open to the public where the winner replaces Steve Staunton. Viewers can then text in who they'd like to see on the team and one place on the team can be reserved for a washed out "celebrity" like Derek Mooney or Twink.

Now that Cork seems to have an exclusive on sports presenters with Matt Cooper, Bill O'Herlihy and Trevor Welsh in commanding positions maybe its time we had a Cork man at the helm of Irish soccer.

The campaign for Trevor Welsh has already started on the Carrigrohane Straight.

One of the top forty autocue readers in the country we reckon the TV3 star would do a top job as Irish manager. At half time, the Big 'T' could read out all the angry fan texts from his Sports Tonight programme and then ask sombre panel members like Paul Osam to form sentences that might make sense.

It's often been said that the Irish players haven't looked motivated and need a bit of a kick-in-the-arse to get results. What about motivational expert and simmering madman Richie Bennis from Limerick? If he can motivate a useless county like Limerick to reach an All Ireland final then he must be on the FAI's short list.

Instead of asking players to "take on" their man Bennis would simply ask that they kill their man. A few training sessions in a Moyross housing estate for some of the more "laid back" Irish stars wouldn't be out of place either.

Swapping dig outs for dug outs, Bertie Ahern might fancy the job when he retires. He's always perched cosily next to FAI chief executive John Delaney at matches, we know how favourably Delaney looks upon personal friends when appointing managers and Ahern is well used to ignoring Cork which would fit in nicely with FAI thinking.

If Ahern can survive the grilling of the Mahon Tribunal there'll be no moving him from the Irish post once he takes over. Even a five nil home defeat to the Liechtenstein's under-12's would be casually shrugged off as "building block" and other disastrous results could be conveniently forgotten about when questioned by the media.

We wait with baited breath for Staunton's successor.

 
 
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