Robots Now Running Windows 7

1st Jun 2010

PROC can exclusively reveal that Cork hurling robots Ben and Jerry O'Connor's operating systems were upgraded during the winter of 2010 to the robust Windows 7 operating system.

Having won All-Ireland's with the smoother Windows XP system controlling their bionic limbs by late 2006 the super-hurlers' operators were sent Windows Vista which proved to be troublesome - mainly because of the creation of high server loads in the O'Connor's on board processors during matches.

Previously, the O'Connor's would often be seen discarding their helmets towards the end of a game as temperatures in their operating core soared to over 400 degrees Celsius.
 

Cork hurling robot Ben O'Connor takes a moment to cool off.

Announcements, like the one in Pairc Úi Chaoimh on Sunday that encourage fans to stay off the pitch at full time are designed to deter fans from patting the O'Connor's on the head as they leave the field. Several Cork fans have reported burned palms as the twins' operating core takes up to two hours to return to normal temperature after 70 minutes of high intensity hurling.

During the Windows Vista trials dedicated computer engineers masquerading as Maor Uisce's were often seen running on to the pitch with small screwdrivers to trigger the O'Connor's reboot switches during matches when they collided with opposition players causing system errors.

On one occasion during a challenge match in 2008 a Maor Uisce that was presented with a 'retry, ignore or cancel' message on the robot's control panel activated the incorrect option and Jerry O'Connor was seen trying to take over from Maritn Coleman in goal.
 

And people wonder why Microsoft took so long to get Windows7 out..

There are unconfirmed reports that embattled bainisteoir Gerald McCarthy insisted the twins have an open-source LINUX system installed when he took over from John Allen - this system is favoured by traditionalists who favour overhead striking.

This did not result in an All-Ireland or Munster title and replacing this restrictive operating system is said to have been high on Denis Walsh's agenda when he was given the username and password for the twins last year.

The O'Connors' performances last Sunday against Tipperary in Pairc Úi Chaoimh are being recognised as their best yet in the Cork jersey so the new upgraded operating system is seen as a major bonus to Cork's season.
 

This is the spot where Newtown is supposed to exist according to GPS co-ordinates given by Cork County Board

Scientists are also studying data from Sunday's match relating to Cathal Naughton. With such super-human pace and precision ball striking suspicions are growing that Master Naughton may also be among the super-human robots on the Cork team as attention focuses on his super-human talents.

Speculators have pointed to his stated home club on the programme as 'Newtownshandrum', the alleged village in North Cork that also regularly appears as the O'Connor's place of origin. Attempts to locate the town using satellite technology have failed.

This coupled with the incredible performance of the Newtown' players last Sunday lends further credence to the suggestion that they may be from another planet.