Penny Punch the Credit Punch

2nd Oct 2008

Credit Crunch Survival Guide
Charlotte O'Keeffe

Sure- you all just want to cry your eyes out and shake your fist at the skies for the latest economic downturn. But lets face it - that ain't going to solve anything. You're going to have to change your routine and get used to being a poor f*cker dressed in Michael Guiney clothes and shoes from Pennys.

I can see Penny's becoming the new sheek again ala the 80's. No more will you be mortified to be seen with a Penny's bag. No more will you try to stuff said Penny's bag into your-by now- haggard River Island bag. (Remember when you used to shop in a devil may care fashion- hopping from River Island to Oasis to Next.

Your new style capital. Gotta a whole lotta things for Christmas. Got a lot for the famil-eee.

God you had so many of these bags that you burned them all thinking you had made it and would never need them to disguise your pauper lifestyle again. Sure you used them occasionally when you would see a bargain top you liked from Penny's which you bought thinking it was OK because you saw it's exact replica in A Wear for 5 euro more and no one would know as long as you were not seen coming out of Pennys or with a Penny's bag.

But kiddies I've got bad news for you... that Celtic Tiger is now a pensioner in cat years and was neutered so it didn't have any Celtic Tiger kittens (or is it cubs?). So we're all screwed now. Those of you that used to shop in Dunnes will now shop in Tesco. Those of you that shopped in Tesco buying Tesco finest will have to revert to Tesco own cheap-sh*t brands and those of you who bought these anyway will have to shop in Aldi/Lidl and those of you who shopped there in the first place were either (a) tight feckers who would sell your granny for a bargain meaning you have more money than the rest of us anyway or (b) you will have turn to prostitution and drug dealing for the extra cash to be able to afford your Choco Rice and Aldi Cola.

French Church Street's gone all red.

Oh and you can forget about such luxuries as the Thursday deals on barbecues and wonder mops from Aldi. What good is a wondermop if you don't have a house to mop in the first place?? Well??? Although the BBQ actually could come in handy when you are living on the streets. As long as it isn't a gas one of course. Get a charcoal one and you're laughing.

No one was worried about this because they though- oh that Higgs Boson experiment in Cern will end the world and so all my problems will disappear along with myself. And then....it didn't happen. And now we learn it's off for another year. So those of you who maxed out your credit cards are now thinking- Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiite!!! And you do realise the whole point of this don't you- this supposed "failure to end the world thing".

Penrose Wharf vacancy: 110% mortgage hysteria floored in the latest credit crunch.

It's nerds getting revenge on everyone who bullied them and mocked their geeky ways in school. They got you all wound up with this- oh we may create a black hole etc malark. You all fell for it. Spent all your money. Told your boss you thought he was a langer in an email on the Tuesday night before the experiment and then 9am Wednsday morning came and nothing had happened. Except of course that you were now fired, broke and hungover. Well done nerds. Clap clap clap. You got them big style.

So what next???- Right- remember all the canned goods you sent to Africa back in the 80's? Ask for some back. Organise jumble sales and cake sales at school for "charity" and pocket the money. It is charity technically. Yes there's a good chance you may go to hell but look, cross that bridge when it comes to it.

Airy, detached unit with character. €250,000 anyone?

Start building a shack on some unused land and go for squatters rights. You'll have to capture some wildlife to teach them how to use their kinetic energy to power your house in terms of electric. Sell the BBQ which you bought for 16 quid from Aldi- that is if you don't kill yourself and all your family out of the frustration in trying to set up up in the first place.

Build your shack close to river so you have nearby washing facilities (start stockpiling toilet paper now- dock leaves are scarce these days). Learn to like eating crows and road kill. Grow your own veg but for Christ sake don't become dependent on potatoes- remember what happened the last time??? Turn to drink. It's your only escape from reality.

Madge might be looking for Cork children if youre short a few bob for the Sky plus box or gym membership.

Sell your children to Madonna, Brangelina or even Gary Glitter. You'll get a few bob and sure- they'll look after them. Look for takers outside of the sex offenders register and the church- just to be safe. And remember- an elderly relative always has a few quid in the bank so you know...one day they'll kick the bucket and will leave their money/house to someone so be extra nice...

ps- if all you have to eat is blackberries- don't pick the ones that are growing on ditches on busy roads- full of chemicals. Search the fields instead