PROC’s FAQ Guide to Panaban's Second Coming

This week, private cars will once again be prohibited from Patrick Street from 3-6.30pm seven days a week. If you haven’t moved abroad in protest after the last time the Panaban was tried in April or set yourself on fire in defiance, then check out our frequently asked questions guide to Panaban’s second coming.

I know the law applies equally to everyone except me so where can I park my car illegally on during Panaban 2?

City Council are upping the ante a little this time round by employing army snipers that will monitor all entrances to Patrick Street buildings from roof tops. Drivers making illegal turns into Patrick Street will have a tyre shot without warning resulting in the lifelong mortification of hundreds of beeping bus and taxi drivers blowing at them while they try to change their puncture in the middle of Cork’s busy street during  evening rush hour.

There’s nothing like #PanaPunctureClown trending on social media to make you think twice about defying the car ban.

I’m one of the “I’ll be only TWOOOO MINUTES there lah” brigade what’s in this new initiative for me?

You’re in luck. As part of the Panaban rethink the council are providing 26 “set down” spots very close to Patrick Street in places like Cornmarket Street and Drawbridge Street so you can pull in for fifteen minutes for free while your old doll legs it into an eye brow bar to have the weird tadpole yokes on her forehead touched up. How the council will monitor this isn’t clear (the parking not the eyebrows, feen) but all you need to know is that you’re going to be in the good books with herself.

I like to abandon my car in the city centre wherever I want as a futile statement of defiance against authority to make up for shortcomings elsewhere in my life. What do you advise?

Listen fella, that loss to Douglas in the 1998 Sciath na Scol was NOT YOUR FAULT and it wasn’t right that you earned the lifelong nickname ‘Chicken’ from your angry teammates because you turned your back on the full forward as he booted the winning goal into your net.

That Douglas giant was twice your size at the time and your full back shouldn’t have let him get behind him in the first place. Now, stop acting the langer and go find a proper parking space.

I own a city centre business and, look to be honest, I hate change of any kind so how can I best protest against this disgraceful codology?

Go on a local radio station and make wildly exaggerated claims about how badly your profit has been hit and that it is entirely the council’s fault despite you having the business acumen of a blind donkey, the customers service skills of bull in heat and the cheek to assume that rates payers should call the shots instead of the city’s citizens and their democratically elected councillors.

I know there are thousands of spaces in city centre multi-storey carparks but I’ve never been in one so I avoid them and complain about the lack of parking – is there any help out there for me?

UCC will be starting a 5 year degree programme in Multistorey Car Park Skills starting in September. It will cover challenging topics like how to use a ticket machine, elevator button techinique and coping with switching your lights on in the middle of the day.

I want to go to a conference in the Event Centre on South Main Street where’s the best place to park?

The best spot to park for a concert is one of the ‘set down’ spots on Grand Parade – you can stroll up Tuckey Street to see what time the gig starts. You’ll be back with plenty time to spare –the 15 minutes allocated to the new set down spots will be all you need to realise Cork is still being ignored by the Dublin Government.

I don’t know what this is about but I’ve heard the council are involved so I’d like to get involved in a protest. Where can I buy handcuffs to chain myself to the railing outside City Hall and arty stuff to make a placard?

You can get them all in the city centre. Hop on an afternoon bus and you’ll be in there in no time!