One-Way Holiday for Irish Government

12th Jan 2010

One-Way Holiday for Irish Government


What's the big deal about the Transport Minister Noel Dempsey being on holiday while Ireland was submerged under unprecedented levels of snow and ice? In an interview last Sunday after his defiant return from Malta he went to extraordinary lengths to emphasise how little he could have done about the cold weather's affect on everyday lives. You'd have to agree with him.

There's nothing this government seem to be able to do about anything so what's the point in having them there at all? Why don't the entire government including all the Fianna Fáil backbenchers take a permanent holiday?

Dempsey: by his own admission, not needed.

It's what they seem to like doing anyway. Who wouldn't bet that the country would probably get along better without them?

With such an array of travel arrangement experience perhaps Kerry TD John O'Donoghue would be the ideal man to organise this exotic trip. This time tax payers should be delighted to shell out for whatever transport the government requires - with just one stipulation: this trip out of Ireland must be one-way.

We'll even throw in the caveat of airport transfers by limousine and hat hire if it'll convince them all to take flight. They can also stop by the Algarve and pick up Seánie Fitzpatrick en route and any other failed banker to keep them as far away from us as possible.

'Fuck you deputy O'Donoghue. Fuck. You.'

We have the ideal destination in mind too: a twinchy island in the pacific about a few hundred miles south of New Zealand - on the exact opposite side of the world to our own tiny plot of land in the North Atlantic. Having them so far away would do wonders for the national psyche and help promote our economic recovery.

Keeping them occupied with the island's politics will prevent them coming back over the equator - reducing any chance of interference in the affairs of this country ever again.

Similar to "underperforming loans" about to be absorbed by NAMA the Pacific island will act as a bad bank for under-performing politicians. Men and women who lost the run of themselves and need to be taken out of the system for the greater good now have a place to go. This will be one bandwagon full of chancers that the public would be more than happy to fund.

An island with an unsustainable development on its east coast while everyone wants to be on the south coast. Sounds familiar.

Even before food and drinking water is considered the Fianna Fáil antipodeans will rush to divide up the island's land. The lure of fresh untouched property will cause such hysterical excitement among the new arrivals that they will be too busy to think of their former lives.

Economics will take its natural Irish path. Developers will rule the roost and coconuts will be the new currency with bounties of hairy brown "shellvelopes" being exchanged for nudge-and-wink promises of rezoning land. Within no time the island will be a chaotic mess of unplanned vacant huts surrounded by empty wilderness.

Séanie Fitz: they can collect this cunt on the way

On the eastern shore they will have built an ugly urban settlement for themselves from which to rule and the rest of the island will be totally ignored. Decent roads will be almost non-existent and anyone thinking about communicating with the outside world using the internet would be better off searching for messages in bottles on the seashore.

Of course, when the Greens arrive several months later in a carbon neutral sailing boat they will be horrified at the randomness of the island's unplanned development. Rather than risk isolation on an already lonely island in the South Pacific they'll keep their mouths shut so they can cosy up to the Fianna Fáil campfire - gleefully warming their hands over the alpha males' hot coals - naively hoping to change the island from within.

So if Noel Dempsey and the rest of his colleagues want to take another holiday tax payers should gladly foot the bill on condition that they don't buy a return ticket. And you know what? They look so tired and weary at this stage that if we offered them a deal right now they might actually accept it.