Kick About Characters

6th Jul 2009

Kick About Characters

Five, six and seven a side soccer has really taken off over the last decade. With a rake of great pitches to chose from around the city and county more and more people are spending nights they'd normally spend in front of the telly out kicking a ball.

Here's a guide to some of the more interesting characters found wandering Cork's pitches every night of the week...

Dass de The Glen...player.

The Organiser
Even if he's not a Ronaldo on the pitch he's always on the ball off the pitch - without him the games would never happen. He sends out the texts making sure everyone knows the pitch is booked, rings the venue, collects money and deals with change.

The downside of all this functionality is that he spends a fortune on texts when people start to pull out and the backup troops are called into action. Who's coming and who isn't is the bane of his life with opt-out texts flooding in far too close to the kick-off for his liking.

This can lead to on-field vendettas when the flakier 'unreliables' eventually turn up and are subjected to unwarranted calf-slicing sliding tackles from the irate organiser-in-chief.

Mr. Competitive
Whether its his personal, social or working life if there's one thing this fella cannot tolerate it's a 'hospital pass' - an attempt so poor at delivering the ball to him that he may actually end up in A&E trying to retrieve it.

The early establishment of his position as the game's most skilful player usually results in futile glory hunting runs - at all costs he must win even if the prize, as is in most 6 asides, only the satisfaction of winning. There's little loyalty or pride among a vaguely affiliated group of people with little or no interest in each other - especially if its work colleagues and he knows it only too well.

Cranky and irritable he shows his frustration with 'inferior' team mates using childish body language accompanied by tuts and whispered f**k sakes half under his breath but loud enough for the offending team mate to hear.

Goal celebrations at a seven a side in the square in Blarney.

When a long pass is played too far in front of him he stops dead in his run as if to say 'Im not going to even bother chasing that it was so bad'. He spends more energy shaking his head at the team mates he has been burdened with than playing ball.

The Dope
Most groups who play 6-aside in Cork are friends or work colleagues so if a fella who's physically inept in almost every sense decides to sign-up there's not a lot you can do. Every group of friends or any work place has some male who, and let's say this as nicely as we can, been blessed with talents from Holy God that do have anything to do with sport.

He might be an expert at repairing car engines, be a sensational guitarist, make half his yearly income from playing poker or have other notable alpha male qualities but when it comes to knocking a football around he's as useful as your granny on sedatives.

Hushed debates often occur as to whether it's more useful to have him on the team or to have fresh air protecting the goal mouth but his delight at getting out for some exercising after talking about it for five years is too pure to quench.

Seanie Shemozzles
While Mr. Competitive might at least have some genuine ball skills and a will to win, some players with mediocre skills and a fitness that only boasts the fact that they are a non-smoker, use their weekly kick-about to get back at the world.

Back for a pint in the Templeacre: He could spot you at any time.

Maybe they hate their job, their pay cut, their wife, their flatmates or the fact that they are being out foxed by more skilful players - everyone on the pitch has to pay the price.

Rarely played with referees, 6-asides rely on goodwill, fair play and a collective sense of sporting right and wrong to run a game without chaos. Every now and then somebody comes along who's only tactic is to rough up the opposition - sneaky late tackles, tripping up other players that out run him, GAA style shouldering etc.

To make it worse he turns purple with rage when even his own team mates call him on it - spitting insults at anyone who questions his outrageous method of defending.

Talking Tommy
Most of us don't talk when playing ball. The occasional 'here! here!' or calling someone's name when you find yourself in a good position looking for a pass is usually the limit to 6-aside chatter.

Then there's the Talking Tom in every group who, like a self-service check-out in Tesco, issues unwelcome instructions to his team mates from start to finish.

In the same way Corkonians use 'boy' he refers to everybody as 'player', even off the pitch, which will identify him before the game starts as people arrive: arite player woss the story? (Whether this tag has its roots in sport or the users' love of hip-hop is anybody's guess).

While his enthusiasm is hardly offensive he suspiciously never seems to do a whole lot himself, conveniently basing himself in front of his keeper to 'oversee' the team. While everyone else sweats it out pacing up and down the pitch his voice box does far more work than his legs:

Through the centre player…now! Man on! Go left player. No fault player. Aright! Time! Time player! TWO OF YE!! Square ball! Go left! Shot! Shot! Ahhh wide ball again. Fuck sake. Ahhh c'mon player you'll have to do better than that for us…