ISIS Impressed by Clare Hurlers

16th Jul 2015

It has been reported that Islamic State have contacted the Clare County Board about the possibility of signing up some of their hurlers after showing “impressive willingness” to perform beheadings in public during the second round hurling qualifier in Thurles on Saturday last.

The terror group which is believed to have cells in GAA clubs around Ennis is particularly interested in Tulla full back David McInerney who tried to sever the heads of several Cork forwards, including man of the match Seamus Harnedy, during his team’s three point defeat to the Rebels and ending their 2015 season.

A statement from the much-feared group was released on a 7 inch vinyl record and played on a gramophone at the Clare county board meeting on Monday night – parts of which have been revealed...

“Now that the Clare hurling mujahedeen have their hands hanging for the rest of the summer we are hoping, god willing, they will join our most glorious and beautiful battle to behead everyone in the world for the pleasure of Allah”, said an IS spokesman, “their lust for unfettered violence knows no limits and would be of great benefit to the caliphate”.

The county board has issued a statement saying that its players are currently unavailable as they are "busy being humiliated by manager Davy Fitz" and that  "those ISIS lads can fuck off outta dat t'fuck”.