How to Debate Like A Leader

18th Feb 2016

Are you taking part in a political debate before the election in a desperate attempt to keep your lavish lifestyle on the go? Here’s the PROC’s guide to waffling like a party boss…

1. Your Voice
When you open your mouth and it emits the same sound as the air brakes on the 208 bus pulling up outside Eason’s on Patrick Street on a wet Monday in February or it sounds like you’re speaking with your head inside a sack in a hole in South Armagh then be sure to not get hysterical or we’ll be thumbing the mute button every time your mug appears on camera.

If you have a Cork accent though you’re off to a great start. Well done.


 

2. Load Your Cliché Gun
Phrases that must be mentioned for the benefit of those of us playing debate bingo: invest in jobs, more jobs, more beds, meaningful jobs, housing for all, elderly people on trolleys, protect our children, housing crisis and 1916. Don’t forget reliable classics like ‘can I just say’, ‘going forward’, ‘ordinary workers’ and ‘small businesses up and down the country’. And finally, a little tit bit of Gaeilge to make you sound like a real statesman.

3. Body Language
There are a number of essential hand motions to perform while you are speaking to help your bullshit to sound like it means something.‘The Carver’ is a chopping motion with the right hand. ‘The Pinch’ allows you add some grace to an eloquent point. Pointing and jabbing your finger both upwards, downwards and directly at your opponents adds passion. The out-stretched hands like you are holding an imaginary baby over a baptismal font are good for emphasis but make sure you don’t squeeze the baby too hard as it might look like something more appropriate for a top shelf men’s magazine.

Finally, ‘The Fist’ makes you look strong and not to be messed with – a few punches in the air suggest that those railing against you might get a haymaker. Paddy doesn’t like to be in a fight but he likes to watch one. Go knock ‘em out.  

4. Number Nerds
Banging out figures left, right and centre is essential to make you sound like you’re on top of the perilous task of managing the economy even if you still do basic addition and subtraction on your fingers: four point seven billion euro, seven hundred thousand people, eight point six percent – it doesn’t matter whether they refer to tax revenues, jobs or interest rates just fill the air with a relentless stream of numbers both big and small to bamboozle the audience.

Be sure to move your hands out for the big ones and pronounce each figure slowly and clearly (possibly even sniffing in between each one) whilst skipping though smaller ones quickly giving viewers the impression you are the economic rain man genius we’ve all been waiting for.


 

5. Stick Out Your Brass Neck
Lecturing other leaders on the lack of Gardaí when you’ve been, at the very least, sympathetic to terrorists that have shot them or suggesting the current government has made a balls of the economy when you were part of the last one that bankrupted it doesn’t matter. Flap the angel’s wings on your back and we’ll swallow it like a free pint of stout.

6. Waffle Trail Off Time
As the moderator moves away from you and on to someone else it is important to keep talking for at least ten seconds over the question being put to your neighbour so the audience keeps thinking about you and your party rather than them.

7. Off-Camera Blue Steel
When other leaders are doing their waffle routine don’t be caught looking into space thinking about the size of your juicy pay packet or, God forbid, starring at the camera itself and practicing your blue steel on the monitor. Concentrate bubbila.  



8. Name Checking Public Servants
Who doesn’t like their name being read out on a radio request? You’ve got five seconds to give a shout out to 300,000 of them to boost your party’s vote . Here goes: The doctors and the nurses. Our emergency service workers. An Garda Síochána. Teachers. The carers. The hard-working frontline workers in our public service. Done.

9. Talk When Others Talk
Remember when you were in playschool and you and all your friends just talked and shrieked whenever you wanted regardless of your withered teacher’s appeals for calm? This is the sort of chaos you need to bring to a leaders’ debate. Remember, the best time to talk is when others are talking too so pull out all your snappy comebacks like “that’s not true”, “I didn’t interrupt you” and “rubbish”. You only need the one – just keep repeating it like a demented parrot until there’s an ad break.  



10. The Guy In The Audience Who Asked the Question
For the love of God, even though his unexpectedly high pitched voice, lisp and weird facial tick were very very distracting, remember his name or die on your feet.