Group 'Dating' For Lads

11th Oct 2010

Bands of Brothers
Group Dating For Feens

Crowley and Seanie are the only two of their 8-strong Douglas gang left in Cork. Fancy hooking up?

With the Dublin Government's now almost complete destruction of the 26 county economy, massive numbers of Corkonians are being forced out of The Rebel County to look for work. While the focus is always on the misfortunates who have to travel abroad those who are left behind must be considered too.

More so than girls, boys tend to naturally form large groups of friends and as a consequence of Fianna Fáil's economic cock-ups the size of these boys' clubs are being greatly reduced thus leaving some of the sons of Ireland's biggest county in circles as uncomfortably small as three or even two.

Whether the root of this group mentality lies in our rich history of sporting teams, the comradery of wartime guerrilla platoons or just man's natural desire to form circles of loyalty for self-advancement we'll leave that to some PhD swot up in UCC. One thing is for sure - these groups are being decimated by the actions of the greedy few above in the Pale.

When a couple in love go their separate ways because of the geographical inconvenience of their relationship, they move on and find someone else to pledge their loyalty to. Why don't bunches of lads left behind here in 'Recessionville' do the same and find similarly struck-down clubs of perspective comrades?

There are plenty more fish in the sea and Corkonian emigrants who have moved on to new geographies will undoubtedly be attaching themselves to new groups of friends in Vancouver, Sydney, London or whatever place they find themselves that isn't as good as Cork.

So PROC proposes a new line of business for anyone interested in getting involved in an off-shoot of the phenomenally lucrative internet dating and speed dating industries but for groups of heterosexual lads who are looking to team up with other bands of men that have been decimated by emigration.

Two's a company, three's a crowd and four is the job.

Of course this will have to be packaged in a very subtle way. The words 'dating', 'single' and any suggestion of sincere friendship must be banished from any promotion - men on this island don't like to think they are getting that deep.

Instead of browsing pictures of singletons on the internet, searching subscribers will spend hours with their one or two remaining friends pouring over pictures of groups of other lads having the craic in the pub, playing football or doing crazy stuff at a stag.

Online the groups will be able to give examples of their in-jokes to let potential matches see if they will click. There should also be a section to prevent groups from immediately falling out with each other.

This may involve a set of questions to eliminate potential bust ups. Things like whether your group are pro-player or pro-County Board when it comes to Cork GAA. Whether you think it's acceptable to leave an inter-county match ten minutes early 'to beat the traffic' or total and utter inexcusable treason. And so on.

For non-Corkonians this simple true or false question will eliminate bluffers straight away: Did Roy Keane "walk out on his country" or was he "sent home by Mick McCarthy". Anyone answering with the first falsehood will form the only group of rejected subscribers not entitled to a full refund.

The 'group pairings' will start with activities like five aside football where groups of lads in twos and threes can suss each other out through grunting, glory-hunting and hard tackles. Like speed dating though, the groups will only spend two minutes playing ball with each other so there's little time wasted if you end up with a bunch of aggressive tools from Togher or a crowd of wimps from Bandon.

Grange and Mayfield lads (all straight, non-gays) out having a good time

Of course there might be mismatches and technical errors that see a group of Goths from Douglas whose hobbies are Dungeons and Dragons paired off with some hardcore GAA duo from Timoleague. The texts afterwards could be awkward. "Listen lads, its not ye its us. Just don't feel it." Followed by a winking-half-drunk smiley face.

The ultimate test will be how two groups get on when they go on a night out together. Unlike conventional two-person dates, with groups of lads the drinking comes before the meal out so this is a good opportunity to cut to the chase as personality types are laid bare.

Group members can suss each other out on a myriad of important inter-lads issues. For example, if you're in a "round" and a fella arrives late is he allowed into the round?

When it comes to chatting up the ladies does the first fella to get talking to a beour in a pub have 'first call' on her? Is it survival of the fittest within the group if he has to go to the toilet?

And if one of the group 'starts up' on some fella for no apparent reason do you back him up regardless and risk a night in a cell or pull him back from the brink and tell him he's out of order at the risk of injuring his ego?

These are the intricacies within groups of fellas that will either cement new lifelong bonds and friendships or whip up a storm of nostalgia for those lost overboard when the Irish economy hit stormy seas. Damn the Dublin government and the scourge of emigration they have forced Corkonians into!